What do you do when knowing God is in control still doesn't ease the pain?

So... some of you have noticed and asked me about my quietness and lack of updating on the baby. It is, in fact, purposefully, but now it is time that I feel comfortable breaking the silence.

Baby P 20 weeks 3D

Profile 20 weeks

A little gymnast. Knees touching the nose and toes above the head.

We had our regularly scheduled ultrasound last week,Wednesday, December 11th. Everything was going as you would normally expect in an ultrasound. We had told the technician that I didn't want to know the gender of the baby and she could find out and put it in an envelope for our Christmas reveal. She was measuring away. I always mention Carson's Chiari when they get to the brain part, I want them to pay close attention to their measurements and be more conscious of any issues. She mentioned that there was some excess fluid around the head and she was going to talk to the Dr about it and see what he wanted to do, but we went on with the ultrasound to get the other measurements and all the cute pictures. Once we got to a certain point she was doing a lot of searching and trying to get the baby to move, she told us that she could not get a clear measurement and view of the heart and that we may have to come back for another ultrasound. She sealed an envelope with the gender and we went on about our day awaiting a call from the Dr to tell us when he would like us to come back for another scan.

The next morning the Dr called and said that he was worried about excess fluid and swelling around the babies heart, as well as the fluid around the head. This is when i got scared!! The fluid around the brain didn't overly worry me, I mean, we've been there, done that. I was confident we could deal with those kinds of issues again, although we would not choose to, we could if needed; but issues with the heart?? That's just a whole other basket of issues to deal with. It's scary, and could be life threatening. They wanted to send us up to the Fetal Maternal Medicine Specialist in Indy and have a more in depth ultrasound and assessment done. She told me she would call me back with an appointment.

I'll just be honest and tell you that at this point I had a total melt down. Minutes seemed like hours, and hours seemed like days as we waited for them to call with an appointment. Thankfully Kevin was home for the morning hours. We were pretty much just stunned and in shock. We both cope completely differently with stress and issues. I cry, he shut off. He was trying his hardest to comfort me and I knew that all he was saying was true but it was not helping at the time.

He must have said 100 times "God is in control." Each time, in midst of my slowly breaking heart, I would think "Would you shut up?" Then after about 100 times I finally said it out loud. It didn't come out that way exactly, I had had some time to think about how to put it more graciously each time it was said. I mustered up enough wherewithal to mutter a few words before the tears started streaming...

 "Don't you think I know God is in control? Wasn't God in control when we spent an entire year with Carson in the hospital? Wasn't God in control when it meant hours of testing, poking, prodding, NG tubes, aspirating, pneumonia, being told to tell your baby bye 3 times in a short year before they FINALLY figured out what was wrong with him?" (BLANK STARE) "I know God's in control" I said "but that doesn't mean it will just disappear and everything will be OK. Don't you remember how hard that was when we only had 1 other child, now we have 4, what are we going to do?"

I am so glad that came out on my husband and not on some other well meaning Christian who tried to tell me God was in control.

So what do you do when knowing God is in control still doesn't ease the pain??

I'm not sure what you would do but I will tell you what I did... I cried ALOT, I poured my heart out to God over and over again asking for comfort and peace, and I immersed myself in scripture. Each time I opened the word to a passage it was as if God was directly speaking to me. Lots of verses about worry and fear popped into my path. I put my favorite song "Be still my soul, In you I rest" by Kari Jobe on repeat throughout the day. Guess what??? Maybe I am not as spiritual as some of you but even though I was immersed and surrounded by the Lord I was still worried. Did I know he was in control? YES. Was it the magic cure all? NO. I struggled; and I want you to know that. Many times I think that we as Christians(especially Pastor's wives) put on this perfect face in every situation. We act like we are invincible but the truth is we are hurting like everyone else. The church is a place for sick, hurting, battered, dirty, stinking people; Not a museum to pretend and show how perfect our lives are. It's no wondering a world of hurting people can't relate to most Christians, they all think we are perfect and have no problems, they feel condemned not understood!!

Sometimes the struggle is REAL, and it's really hard. I will say I can't imagine getting through tragedy and things in life without my relationship with the Lord, because there is a certain hope that I have in him, but that doesn't mean life is a bed of roses.

So... They FINALLY called us with an appointment. The words that came out of her mouth "NEXT TUESDAY" seemed cruel and unimaginable. How could you wait 4 days without knowing? It was a long 4 days but I am very thankful that it was only 4 days. I know sometimes it can take weeks to get into a specialist. Those 4 days were filled with good and bad times. Lots of prayer; and lots of Silence. You all know that I don't literally mean silence completely, there are 4 kids in this house, but my life was seemingly silent. I was fearfully seeking the presence of the Lord during every waking moment. I prayed for sleep, peace, and I prayed that I would feel the baby move more than normal just for assurance(I know, that is specific and maybe weird but the baby did move a lot during those 4 days)

Today was the day. Kevin was so nervous he looked like he was going to faint. He couldn't sit still. I was just trying to hold back tears before we even get there. We prayed in the car before going in. Let me just say I am so thankful for the amazing man of God that I get to call my husband! He is a rock, even when it's hard and I am falling apart.

We go in and have a VERY long and in depth ultrasound. Lots of questions are asked about previous pregnancies, ect... Then the Dr. come in and does some looking around and measuring the baby as well. This literally seemed like an eternity and I really thought Kevin was going to puke before the Dr. finally started talking.

He said "Let me start by telling you that the concerns your Dr. had that caused him to send you here are not at all troublesome to me". Instant wieght lifted from my entire being and I could breathe easier!! He saw nothing wrong with the heart at all and said the fluid around the brain was within normal parameters. He then followed that with some news about some things that were concerning to him. These we are not yet sharing because there is no need to worry everyone until we know anything for sure, but he spent about 30 minutes explaining a lot of information to us about these things, some testing that we needed to do, a lot of statistics, and a plan of action. Then he let us ask questions and decide if we would accept his plan of action. We decided to go ahead with some more testing and met with a genetic counselor; as well as getting about a gallon of blood drawn. The chances of these things they are testing for is small, but things that we have an increased risk for, and some of the abnormalities on the ultrasound are common with them.Even while the possibility of some issues still wait in the unknown, I am so at peace. While I would not choose for our child to have ANY issues I feel much better about dealing with ANY issue other than the heart. I guess for me the heart is just the center of life and it was really scary to me. So while I am still a tad bit worried, I don't feel overly consumed.

We should have some preliminary test results back in a week and we will know where we need to go from there.

We would appreciate and request your continued prayer for this little baby! I had just gotten to a point in the pregnancy where I had determined to stop worrying and start enjoying and then all of this happened. I am still trying to seek what God is trying to teach me through all of this. I am still holding to the promise "His GRACE is sufficient for me, his strength is made perfect in my weakness"