Preserving their Innocence, while having those "hard to have" discussions that keep them safe.

Disclaimer: This blog post is a personal story of sexual abuse as a child, while I will not go into details about the situation it may still be hard for some readers to read. This is an important subject that needs to be spoken of openly to help educate parents and children of the dangers of sexual abuse, especially in scenarios that are often not thought of. While none of it's contents are offensive I would not recommend it to all readers without the supervision or permission of an adult. Feel free to share this link to further educate others on this ever growing problem. 
By his grace,
Kelli



I've sat down to write this post several times this week. It's been met with a lot of emotions, scrap it all and start overs, prayer, crying, and talking to others I know who have had a similar experience. I wasn't at all sure if I should even tackle such a subject; but after much prayers and counsel from other victims of sexual abuse I decided it was something that needs to be said!

 Sexual abuse is a growing problem, everyone knows about it, but no one really knows how to talk about it. It used to be something you had to worry about with your little girls and older/adult males. However in today's society it is a discussion that needs to be had with our little boys as well as our little girls, and concerning both male and female adults. Ignoring a problem does not make it go away. So few people are willing to talk about it that it makes victims of such abuse afraid to speak up for themselves. I am a grow woman and it wasn't until about 3 years ago that I told a single soul about my experience. I finally told my husband because my fear and anxiety of sexual interaction was wrecking havoc on our marriage of 6 years. He couldn't understand why I cringed at the thought of intimacy and really I didn't understand it either. I knew I was safe with him but it wasn't until I opened up about past abuse and talked through some of the issues that healing started to take place.

Now at that time our children were very young and the thought of these horrible things happening to them had not yet crossed my mind; but as I worked through my own issues I promised myself that I would do everything in my power to educate my children and avoid these things happening to them. I didn't know or fully understand what all that would entail at the time but it was something I was committed to.

MANY parents, myself included fear these kind of discussions. They aren't exactly easy to have discussions; and there is a delicate balance involved. How do you preserve their sexual innocence while giving them enough information to keep them safe in an abusive situation? I still am not sure of the exact answer to this but I will share later on a few of my strategies. Here's what I do know...

 

Not having these conversations just because they are hard, is not protecting their innocence. In fact, it may be the very things that allows someone to steal it away from them.

Here's a glimpse into my experience, following this I will give you some very important things that I as a victim have learned through this process, and a few of my suggestions as to how to avoid these things happening to countless innocent children.

 Remember...There are evil people in this world, and sometimes no amount of suggestions or preparation can keep a horrible situation from happening. However, if it only prevents a few cases it will have been better than doing nothing at all.

Going back about 3 years...
I was a 23 year old, mother of 3(with another on the way), wife of 6 years who still cringes every time her husband touches her. I don't want to be kissed passionately. Intimacy is not enjoyable for me and I see it only as a means to reproduce. My husbands innocent taps on the bottom as he walks past me, and advances made trying to spark romance fuel a fear and anxiety in me that even I don't quite understand. Our marriage is good, but could be better and I feel he resents me because I am not as intimate and passionate as I once was. There were several things in my surroundings that were bringing up these feeling of anxiety. The suspicion that some men we knew were sexual abusers(It is like a 6th sense I have, or a revelation from The Lord. I can't explain it but my skin crawls around certain people and that feeling usually isn't wrong), the feeling that my childbearing days were over after this baby was born (oh how wrong that was) and trying to internalize how I would avoid all of my husbands sexual needs and advances without driving our already struggling marriage into the ground, and situation with our oldest child that was completely not related to sexual abuse but sparked that fear in me as a mother. All these things together caused me to have a melt down and
tell my husband that I had been abused as a child. At this point I still was not comfortable sharing all the details with him, I wanted to share the minimum amount of information while still trying to guard my emotions. When you are a victim of sexual abuse, no matter the situation, you feel as if you have done something horrible, when in fact, quite the opposite, something horrible was done to you. Since this time I am happy to say that my husband has been the most helpful person to help me wade through all these emotions. He's the only person who knows the full story, and we are still working through these issues and fear on an as needs basis.

Going back about 11 years...
I was a 15 year old girl. Had a boyfriend, that I thought I trusted, make a sexual advance on me. The advances he made were both inappropriate and unexpected, and led to a break up.This however, went much deeper than his actions. It lead to a greater realization of something very wrong that had happened to me as a child. This was the first time ever that I had been exposed to sexual things being old enough to know that it was inappropriate. I felt dirty, wrong, guilty, angry, an a whole lot of other emotions about what had happened to me as a child but I was afraid to tell ANYONE because I thought I would be in trouble for what had happened. I'm going to touch on this later but for anyone out there who is struggling as I was, a girl with a dirty secret, that I didn't want to be carrying around with me, YOU ARE THE VICTIM. Nothing you did could have brought this upon you, or stopped the situation. Some people are just evil and prey on others.

Going back what  believe to 18-20 years
I was between the ages of 6 and 8. I don't remember exactly how old I was, I can't remember my parents ever having a discussion with me about this subject and the dangers of sexual abuse. I can tell you where we lived, which church plant we were starting, and that we were at some sort of gathering at another church. We were playing hide and seek with a bunch of kids from our church. A teenage boy, well trusted by my family, dating my older cousin, asked me to hide with him. While we were "hiding" he did somethings, which I a not comfortable sharing here. At my age, having had no prior exposure to anything sexual and believing that this young man was a friend of ours and trusting he would never do anything wrong or that would hurt me I thought nothing of the incident, as I said earlier, until I was exposed to this in a sexual manner many years later! Sometimes I am very thankful that I did not realize at this age what had happened. That would have been a heavy burden to carry around at such a young age. At times I wish I had known so that he could have been punished and maybe kept him from doing these things to other people. I know his face, and his last name, I can see him as clearly as if it were yesterday, even though it's been 20 years since last seeing him. I struggle with resentment and unforgivness at times and wish he would be punished in some way for what he did to me, what he took from me, and how he has affected my life without even caring some near 20 years later.


That being said...
Here's what I have learned

Parents:
1.Even though I don't remember at that point my parents talking to me about sexual abuse and what's right and not for someone to ask or see I'm sure they did. What I have learned is ONCE IS NOT ENOUGH. Talk about it often, talk about it openly, talk about it early. I have started talking to my kids about it as soon as we potty train. I explain that that is their private area and NO ONE, not even someone who says they are a Dr. is allowed to look or touch down there unless mommy is in the room and says it is ok. I remind them of this often in daily conversation, when we visit the Dr. and at other appropriate times.
2. You do no have to give a lot of detail but just make it very clear that there is a line that if crossed needs to be addressed. Give clear and precis directions as to what they should do if ANYONE ever tries to touch or see their private area. Make sure you stress that even if it is a family member or close family friend they MUST follow through with these directions, no matter what the person says.  If the person gets forceful with them you need to tell them what to do... poke eyeballs, scream bloody murder, fight to get away, kicking, hitting, biting, scratching. This is a difficult thing because we try to teach our kids not to do these things and here we are telling them to do them.
3. Suspect and think of EVERY scenario. Everyone wants to believe the creepy neighbor is a pedophile but no one talks about or thinks about the step parent or grandparent, the family friend, the parent of your child's friend, the CHURCH MEMBER, the neighbor, the sibling, the cousin.
4. Make sure your child knows your phone number and knows how to call you or 911, no matter what, if they ever feel unsafe. Assure them that they will not ever be in trouble for telling on someone for trying to touch or see their private area.
5. Talk about it BEFORE any suspicion arises or you think there is a need. DON'T WAIT!!
6. If your child comes to you with a worry or incident, be sure you clearly talk about it, get all the details,and take it seriously. Don't approach the offender, go to the proper authorities. Do not treat this light heartedly. It is serious.

Victims:
1. Tell someone. Even if you think it wont matter now, they will never be punished for it, no one will understand; TELL SOMEONE. The healing process can not begin until you verbalize the situation. Obviously make sure it is someone you trust, your pastor, friend, parent, spouse, etc... Even if the person doesn't fully understand, just having someone to listen is a great help in the healing process.
2. YOU ARE THE VICTIM. Don't let anyone make you feel otherwise. You've done nothing wrong, you have been wronged.
3. Speak out to help others. Don't ignore that feeling.
4. Be honest with your spouse, this will affect more than you know possible. An honest, open relationship is more intimate than any other relationship. Let them know that you need their support and help to become comfortable and feel safe in their presence. Don't do things unwillingly as this will only spark more feelings of resentment towards intimacy but work to a point that you can work together to make you more comfortable being spontaneous and unpredictable. God intended for intimacy, between a man and a wife, to be a wonderfully beautiful act of love that promotes closeness and a greater love. Don't be afraid to try new things but be honest about your emotions.

Spouses:
1. Sexual abuse has a long road to recovery. Be understanding. Sometimes your partner may just need held more than anything else.
2. If you know the details of the abuse do not initiate that type of sexual activity with your partner. This can open old wounds and mess with the emotions. Making your spouse feel unsafe and vulnerable all over again. Take things slowly and at the pace your spouse is comfortable with. Do not push them to explore more sexual areas as this will cause them to resent you and intimacy in general.
3. Be encouraging and uplifting.
4. No means NO. No matter how stupid you may think that is. If you want your spouse to trust you and grow in intimacy with you make sure they know, when they say no you will stop whatever it is your doing and respect their wishes.
5. Make every intimate interaction loving and secure. Prove that she can trust you to keep her safe.


Don't let silence be an option. Do all you can to prevent sexual abuse.