Anxiety breeds depression:
depression breeds despair:
and despair is living without hope.
Which is not worth living at all.
A little over a year ago, for the first time in my life, I came to know a feeling that I had never understood. I wasn't unhappy with my life. I loved my husband deeply, I loved my children beyond what words could describe but I found myself living without hope.
When you wake up every morning to the demands and joys of life but the deafining sound of despair in the prison of your own mind has you wondering if you can go on, thats hopeless, and its scary. It's somewhere just short of wanting to die but not really wanting to live either.
It's not a lack of faith because trust me when I say it took more faith to get through this year of my life than anything else I have ever dealt with.
You see, well meaning Christians, who have never experianced anxiety, depression, or despair will say things like: just have faith, God is in control, pray more worry less, depression is a choice, blah, blah, blah(I know because I used to be one of those people).
Does getting closer to God help, certainly, but let's drop the stigma that depression is a lack of faith or trust in the One who made it all. He wrote the story, he saw it all, he knows and he is in control; but he never said it would be easy and if you ever got depressed you were not faithful.
The faithful can become discouraged. We are all one tragedy from being without hope.
Holy Moly, David might be one of the best examples of anxiety and depression ever. He's the man after Gods own heart.
I had many many David moments in this battle. I yelled at God, I threw my bible, I asked a whole lot of questions. I struggled every Sunday to get up in front of a church full of people and lead them in praise to the God that I was mad at.
Why didn't he protect me? What good can come from This? Why did this deep deep scar from the past have to surface at this time in my life? How am I going to get through this crippling fear? How do I protect my kids? How can I avoid leaving my house?
Every minute of every day, my mind was racing. I was drowning in thoughts of despair. I wanted to fix it all but it was all too overwhelming. Trust me, there are still many overwhelming days, but I had to force myself to become shortsided(very hard for a type A, OCD personality). I had to stop trying to fix it and just become commited to get through the next minute, the next hour, the next day.
1 wobbly step at a time I walked myself back up into the light of hope. Thank God for my husband who was there to help me take baby steps, catch me when I fell, and say "try again, you can do this."
I thought I was hiding this well, but looking back I can see I wasn't hiding it so much. If I had told everyone around me how I felt they may have had me committed or shown much more concern. My pride kept me for asking for help, and I fought that entire battle mostly alone. Everyone around me knew something was off but I painted on the Christian smile and pretended to be alive, when inside I was dead.
Now I am committed to saying it loud and saying it clear.
You are not less because your depressed!!
You don't want to do this alone. I know it's hard to trust but tell someone what your going through because the prison that your mind will trap you in is very hard to escape from.
Depression is not sad people, who hide in their house with the curtains drawn, and wear black.
Depression is your pastor who pours his heart out each Sunday and struggles to get up on Monday.
Depression is your child's teacher who always wears a smile on her face but her heart is breaking inside.
Depression is the mom who has it all together but hides in the shower to fall apart.
Depression wears the mask of a smile but lives without hope.
Even though I'll never understand why the Lord allowed terrible things to happen to me as an innocent child, or why he allowed the man who did them to walk into my church almost exactly 20 years later, causing me to have to dig up the pain and deal with every issue I've carried with me all these years; I am compelled to believe that he has a purpose.
It took me a year to realize that I may never get the answers to my questions but that it isn't worth overlooking all of the wonderful things that God has done in my life. The good far outweighs the bad, and that doesn't keep the bad from hurting, but it does begin the process of healing. So this has become my prayer...
Lord , sustain me as you promised, that I may live! Do not let my hope be crushed.
Psalms 119:116
In this moment, this is what God has given me, so I am determined to use it for his Glory. It's not what I would have chosen but I WILL OVERCOME "by the power of his blood, and the word of this testimony." (Rev 12:11) May God use this testimony to bring him glory.
I can spend the rest of my life worrying about what others will think while being silent, or I can worry about what others will think while I speak and maybe help just 1 person reach out from the pit of despair and cling to hope.
Wednesday, August 2, 2017
Monday, June 5, 2017
Dirty Towels and Full hearts
So... I decided last week that this was going to be the summer of outside! Our goal is to be outside WAY more than we are inside and so far we have accomplished that greatly.
We have been to many state parks(annual park pass is the way to go, btw), hiking trails, and playgrounds. We've worked at the church property, played in the barn, and gone to the pool. The kids are thrilled and exhausted!
The house isn't as tidy as normal, the laundry is WAY behind, and the bath tubs are proof that we have had too much fun getting dirty; but the way the giggles, awe-filled eyes, and adventure fill my heart, and theirs, in so worth it.
Today, we started our light-work summer home schooling. So we have been home and trying to arrange our schedule to see what works best for us. We finished school for everyone, I gave the boys hair cuts and they showered. They used the last of the towels under the bathroom sink, so I yelled downstairs and asked someone to bring me a towel and I jumped in the shower... When I started drying off with said towel, I thought "WOW, that towel smells really good!" Then my brain engaged.
"WAIT A MINUTE... That's not how our laundry detergent smells, That's how the TOILET CLEANER smells."
Oh my goodness, I felt like puking. I literally had the towel to my face drying it, it had just been in my hair, but what's a mama to do? "We clean the bathroom every day so how dirty can it really be right?" I finished drying my body and headed downstairs to confirm my thoughts.
"Hey guys, who cleaned the bathroom last night? Did you use a purple towel?" YES :(
2 discussions were had
1. When I ask for a towel from the laundry it needs to come straight out of the dryer, where the clean clothes are(thank you Abigail)
2. Cleaning rags and towels are not the same thing and can not be used interchangeably.
So... I guess I should do laundry, so we have clean towels, and cleaning rags!!
We have been to many state parks(annual park pass is the way to go, btw), hiking trails, and playgrounds. We've worked at the church property, played in the barn, and gone to the pool. The kids are thrilled and exhausted!
The house isn't as tidy as normal, the laundry is WAY behind, and the bath tubs are proof that we have had too much fun getting dirty; but the way the giggles, awe-filled eyes, and adventure fill my heart, and theirs, in so worth it.
Today, we started our light-work summer home schooling. So we have been home and trying to arrange our schedule to see what works best for us. We finished school for everyone, I gave the boys hair cuts and they showered. They used the last of the towels under the bathroom sink, so I yelled downstairs and asked someone to bring me a towel and I jumped in the shower... When I started drying off with said towel, I thought "WOW, that towel smells really good!" Then my brain engaged.
"WAIT A MINUTE... That's not how our laundry detergent smells, That's how the TOILET CLEANER smells."
Oh my goodness, I felt like puking. I literally had the towel to my face drying it, it had just been in my hair, but what's a mama to do? "We clean the bathroom every day so how dirty can it really be right?" I finished drying my body and headed downstairs to confirm my thoughts.
"Hey guys, who cleaned the bathroom last night? Did you use a purple towel?" YES :(
2 discussions were had
1. When I ask for a towel from the laundry it needs to come straight out of the dryer, where the clean clothes are(thank you Abigail)
2. Cleaning rags and towels are not the same thing and can not be used interchangeably.
So... I guess I should do laundry, so we have clean towels, and cleaning rags!!
Friday, June 2, 2017
God's timing is sometimes suprising
Some of you may have heard our recent announcement that we have decided to home school our kids next year! Yes, I'm so excited, but it would be a small white lie if I said that the journey towards this joyous moment was easy.
12+ years ago, when Kevin and I got married, we were head over heals in love. We knew that we were complete opposites, came from very different backgrounds, and did not see eye to eye on everything, but LOVE covers a multitude of things, right?!?
When we started having children, rapidly, it was apparent that our parenting styles, and examples of what parenting looks like, were slightly(please catch the sarcasm here) different. There were a lot of things that we did not agree on. I thought I knew it all, or at least acted like I did. Kevin really had never been around kids so he was just going by what he had seen modeled his whole life, which couldn't have been any different than what I had grown up with. Let's just say that there was a small- ok, ENORMOUS- learning curve for both of us.
I always had this dream of being barefoot and pregnant for eternity, living in the country, line drying clothes, cooking home cooked meals, and homeschooling our slew of kids all at the same time. Kevin's dream looked much different.
Kevin's exposure to home schooling was socially awkward children, or children who were "homeschooled" but really weren't :( He was adamantly opposed to the idea, despite the fact that I, his wife, was a completely normal, accomplished, intelligent, home school graduate.
Our kids were young and I was sure I could sway him in the next few years so I just began praying that God would change his heart on the matter.
When our kids became school aged, we lived in a very small community, with good schools and we made the decision to send them to public school. Our oldest had a very hard time adjusting(which we now know is because of general anxiety disorder- specifically school related anxiety) and our second oldest never skipped a beat. It was a wonderful year that softened my view of sending our kids to school.
After a year and a half, and a move out of state(to a VERY liberal city) we still did not see eye to eye on this issue. Kevin wanted to put them in public school and the thought literally made me sick. I was still praying DAILY that God would change the circumstances and he just kept saying "No".
After a year in our current school system it was OBVIOUS that another decision needed to be made. I started looking into christian schools in our area, knowing good and well that we could not afford them, but I wanted to prove that to Kevin(and God laughed).
I was on bedrest, pregnant with our 5th(surprise) blessing. God knew I was in no position to home school 3 kids, have a toddler, and be on bedrest. He opened so many amazing doors, got us grants and scholarships, and our kids were approved to attend Lighthouse Christian Academy. God literally knew exactly what we needed at that time. It was the best 3 year experience ever.
I decided "Ok God, I hear you, load and clear. Homeschooling is not in the cards for us."
Strangely, the person in me who had always wanted to be a mommy was kind of lost in mommy land. I didn't really know who I was or what drove me anymore. God used a ladies conference, which I was the speaker for, to prompt me to go back to school to get my teaching degree. I literally had no confidence in my ability to do this but I took the leap. I dove in, head long, perfectionist personality and all, and I have loved every minute of it- minus the semester I took math! My world was rocked by some other things that God decided I needed to deal with this year and WOW what a journey(but that's another post).
It felt like after all of that our feet were just getting underneath of us. I have 1 year of classes left, the church bought property and is in the beginning stages of building, family life is clam, and everyone is happy. I was pursuing a license for in home child care and expanding my business, juggling it all.
AND THEN...
Kevin comes to me in January and drops the bombshell. He thinks we need to make a change in the kids education, and we all know how he feels about homeschooling so we know it has to be a total God thing. I laughed, not out load, but in my mind. "Ok, now, at the most inconvenient time possible, you want to home school."
I was completely happy where the kids were, I don't like change, and yes, I know this is what I have been begging for for the last 6 years but I got over it. My plans changed, I was seeing visions of kids in school and me teaching.
So, we prayed, and prayed, and talked, and talked. We took a 10 day trip for business and spent the whole time wrestling with this. We ultimately came to the same conclusion by the end of the trip, that we were clearly hearing from God that this was the way to go, and for one of our children, it meant, effective immediately(remember that school induced anxiety).
Don't get me wrong, I was thrilled, but confused. Why has God told me no, wait, and think again for the last 6 years to answer my prayer at literally the MOST inconvenient time for ME? Why did he lead me to go back to school if the ultimate goal was not to get a degree and a job?
Over the next few month God began to cement our decision through many circumstances. I am so glad that we made our decision public before some things began to crumble or people would have thought it was all reactionary. Now it's obvious it was a God thing.
I still have no idea why God's answer was WAIT for so long, or why it is YES right now, but I know he has a plan(Jer 29:11) and while we make our plans, he secures our steps(Proverbs 16:9) so I'm just going to trust that he's got it and rejoice that I am FINALLY getting what I always wanted!!
Things are always better in God's timing!
12+ years ago, when Kevin and I got married, we were head over heals in love. We knew that we were complete opposites, came from very different backgrounds, and did not see eye to eye on everything, but LOVE covers a multitude of things, right?!?
When we started having children, rapidly, it was apparent that our parenting styles, and examples of what parenting looks like, were slightly(please catch the sarcasm here) different. There were a lot of things that we did not agree on. I thought I knew it all, or at least acted like I did. Kevin really had never been around kids so he was just going by what he had seen modeled his whole life, which couldn't have been any different than what I had grown up with. Let's just say that there was a small- ok, ENORMOUS- learning curve for both of us.
I always had this dream of being barefoot and pregnant for eternity, living in the country, line drying clothes, cooking home cooked meals, and homeschooling our slew of kids all at the same time. Kevin's dream looked much different.
Kevin's exposure to home schooling was socially awkward children, or children who were "homeschooled" but really weren't :( He was adamantly opposed to the idea, despite the fact that I, his wife, was a completely normal, accomplished, intelligent, home school graduate.
Our kids were young and I was sure I could sway him in the next few years so I just began praying that God would change his heart on the matter.
When our kids became school aged, we lived in a very small community, with good schools and we made the decision to send them to public school. Our oldest had a very hard time adjusting(which we now know is because of general anxiety disorder- specifically school related anxiety) and our second oldest never skipped a beat. It was a wonderful year that softened my view of sending our kids to school.
After a year and a half, and a move out of state(to a VERY liberal city) we still did not see eye to eye on this issue. Kevin wanted to put them in public school and the thought literally made me sick. I was still praying DAILY that God would change the circumstances and he just kept saying "No".
After a year in our current school system it was OBVIOUS that another decision needed to be made. I started looking into christian schools in our area, knowing good and well that we could not afford them, but I wanted to prove that to Kevin(and God laughed).
I was on bedrest, pregnant with our 5th(surprise) blessing. God knew I was in no position to home school 3 kids, have a toddler, and be on bedrest. He opened so many amazing doors, got us grants and scholarships, and our kids were approved to attend Lighthouse Christian Academy. God literally knew exactly what we needed at that time. It was the best 3 year experience ever.
I decided "Ok God, I hear you, load and clear. Homeschooling is not in the cards for us."
Strangely, the person in me who had always wanted to be a mommy was kind of lost in mommy land. I didn't really know who I was or what drove me anymore. God used a ladies conference, which I was the speaker for, to prompt me to go back to school to get my teaching degree. I literally had no confidence in my ability to do this but I took the leap. I dove in, head long, perfectionist personality and all, and I have loved every minute of it- minus the semester I took math! My world was rocked by some other things that God decided I needed to deal with this year and WOW what a journey(but that's another post).
It felt like after all of that our feet were just getting underneath of us. I have 1 year of classes left, the church bought property and is in the beginning stages of building, family life is clam, and everyone is happy. I was pursuing a license for in home child care and expanding my business, juggling it all.
AND THEN...
Kevin comes to me in January and drops the bombshell. He thinks we need to make a change in the kids education, and we all know how he feels about homeschooling so we know it has to be a total God thing. I laughed, not out load, but in my mind. "Ok, now, at the most inconvenient time possible, you want to home school."
I was completely happy where the kids were, I don't like change, and yes, I know this is what I have been begging for for the last 6 years but I got over it. My plans changed, I was seeing visions of kids in school and me teaching.
So, we prayed, and prayed, and talked, and talked. We took a 10 day trip for business and spent the whole time wrestling with this. We ultimately came to the same conclusion by the end of the trip, that we were clearly hearing from God that this was the way to go, and for one of our children, it meant, effective immediately(remember that school induced anxiety).
Don't get me wrong, I was thrilled, but confused. Why has God told me no, wait, and think again for the last 6 years to answer my prayer at literally the MOST inconvenient time for ME? Why did he lead me to go back to school if the ultimate goal was not to get a degree and a job?
Over the next few month God began to cement our decision through many circumstances. I am so glad that we made our decision public before some things began to crumble or people would have thought it was all reactionary. Now it's obvious it was a God thing.
I still have no idea why God's answer was WAIT for so long, or why it is YES right now, but I know he has a plan(Jer 29:11) and while we make our plans, he secures our steps(Proverbs 16:9) so I'm just going to trust that he's got it and rejoice that I am FINALLY getting what I always wanted!!
Things are always better in God's timing!
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