Preserving their Innocence, while having those "hard to have" discussions that keep them safe.

Disclaimer: This blog post is a personal story of sexual abuse as a child, while I will not go into details about the situation it may still be hard for some readers to read. This is an important subject that needs to be spoken of openly to help educate parents and children of the dangers of sexual abuse, especially in scenarios that are often not thought of. While none of it's contents are offensive I would not recommend it to all readers without the supervision or permission of an adult. Feel free to share this link to further educate others on this ever growing problem. 
By his grace,
Kelli



I've sat down to write this post several times this week. It's been met with a lot of emotions, scrap it all and start overs, prayer, crying, and talking to others I know who have had a similar experience. I wasn't at all sure if I should even tackle such a subject; but after much prayers and counsel from other victims of sexual abuse I decided it was something that needs to be said!

 Sexual abuse is a growing problem, everyone knows about it, but no one really knows how to talk about it. It used to be something you had to worry about with your little girls and older/adult males. However in today's society it is a discussion that needs to be had with our little boys as well as our little girls, and concerning both male and female adults. Ignoring a problem does not make it go away. So few people are willing to talk about it that it makes victims of such abuse afraid to speak up for themselves. I am a grow woman and it wasn't until about 3 years ago that I told a single soul about my experience. I finally told my husband because my fear and anxiety of sexual interaction was wrecking havoc on our marriage of 6 years. He couldn't understand why I cringed at the thought of intimacy and really I didn't understand it either. I knew I was safe with him but it wasn't until I opened up about past abuse and talked through some of the issues that healing started to take place.

Now at that time our children were very young and the thought of these horrible things happening to them had not yet crossed my mind; but as I worked through my own issues I promised myself that I would do everything in my power to educate my children and avoid these things happening to them. I didn't know or fully understand what all that would entail at the time but it was something I was committed to.

MANY parents, myself included fear these kind of discussions. They aren't exactly easy to have discussions; and there is a delicate balance involved. How do you preserve their sexual innocence while giving them enough information to keep them safe in an abusive situation? I still am not sure of the exact answer to this but I will share later on a few of my strategies. Here's what I do know...

 

Not having these conversations just because they are hard, is not protecting their innocence. In fact, it may be the very things that allows someone to steal it away from them.

Here's a glimpse into my experience, following this I will give you some very important things that I as a victim have learned through this process, and a few of my suggestions as to how to avoid these things happening to countless innocent children.

 Remember...There are evil people in this world, and sometimes no amount of suggestions or preparation can keep a horrible situation from happening. However, if it only prevents a few cases it will have been better than doing nothing at all.

Going back about 3 years...
I was a 23 year old, mother of 3(with another on the way), wife of 6 years who still cringes every time her husband touches her. I don't want to be kissed passionately. Intimacy is not enjoyable for me and I see it only as a means to reproduce. My husbands innocent taps on the bottom as he walks past me, and advances made trying to spark romance fuel a fear and anxiety in me that even I don't quite understand. Our marriage is good, but could be better and I feel he resents me because I am not as intimate and passionate as I once was. There were several things in my surroundings that were bringing up these feeling of anxiety. The suspicion that some men we knew were sexual abusers(It is like a 6th sense I have, or a revelation from The Lord. I can't explain it but my skin crawls around certain people and that feeling usually isn't wrong), the feeling that my childbearing days were over after this baby was born (oh how wrong that was) and trying to internalize how I would avoid all of my husbands sexual needs and advances without driving our already struggling marriage into the ground, and situation with our oldest child that was completely not related to sexual abuse but sparked that fear in me as a mother. All these things together caused me to have a melt down and
tell my husband that I had been abused as a child. At this point I still was not comfortable sharing all the details with him, I wanted to share the minimum amount of information while still trying to guard my emotions. When you are a victim of sexual abuse, no matter the situation, you feel as if you have done something horrible, when in fact, quite the opposite, something horrible was done to you. Since this time I am happy to say that my husband has been the most helpful person to help me wade through all these emotions. He's the only person who knows the full story, and we are still working through these issues and fear on an as needs basis.

Going back about 11 years...
I was a 15 year old girl. Had a boyfriend, that I thought I trusted, make a sexual advance on me. The advances he made were both inappropriate and unexpected, and led to a break up.This however, went much deeper than his actions. It lead to a greater realization of something very wrong that had happened to me as a child. This was the first time ever that I had been exposed to sexual things being old enough to know that it was inappropriate. I felt dirty, wrong, guilty, angry, an a whole lot of other emotions about what had happened to me as a child but I was afraid to tell ANYONE because I thought I would be in trouble for what had happened. I'm going to touch on this later but for anyone out there who is struggling as I was, a girl with a dirty secret, that I didn't want to be carrying around with me, YOU ARE THE VICTIM. Nothing you did could have brought this upon you, or stopped the situation. Some people are just evil and prey on others.

Going back what  believe to 18-20 years
I was between the ages of 6 and 8. I don't remember exactly how old I was, I can't remember my parents ever having a discussion with me about this subject and the dangers of sexual abuse. I can tell you where we lived, which church plant we were starting, and that we were at some sort of gathering at another church. We were playing hide and seek with a bunch of kids from our church. A teenage boy, well trusted by my family, dating my older cousin, asked me to hide with him. While we were "hiding" he did somethings, which I a not comfortable sharing here. At my age, having had no prior exposure to anything sexual and believing that this young man was a friend of ours and trusting he would never do anything wrong or that would hurt me I thought nothing of the incident, as I said earlier, until I was exposed to this in a sexual manner many years later! Sometimes I am very thankful that I did not realize at this age what had happened. That would have been a heavy burden to carry around at such a young age. At times I wish I had known so that he could have been punished and maybe kept him from doing these things to other people. I know his face, and his last name, I can see him as clearly as if it were yesterday, even though it's been 20 years since last seeing him. I struggle with resentment and unforgivness at times and wish he would be punished in some way for what he did to me, what he took from me, and how he has affected my life without even caring some near 20 years later.


That being said...
Here's what I have learned

Parents:
1.Even though I don't remember at that point my parents talking to me about sexual abuse and what's right and not for someone to ask or see I'm sure they did. What I have learned is ONCE IS NOT ENOUGH. Talk about it often, talk about it openly, talk about it early. I have started talking to my kids about it as soon as we potty train. I explain that that is their private area and NO ONE, not even someone who says they are a Dr. is allowed to look or touch down there unless mommy is in the room and says it is ok. I remind them of this often in daily conversation, when we visit the Dr. and at other appropriate times.
2. You do no have to give a lot of detail but just make it very clear that there is a line that if crossed needs to be addressed. Give clear and precis directions as to what they should do if ANYONE ever tries to touch or see their private area. Make sure you stress that even if it is a family member or close family friend they MUST follow through with these directions, no matter what the person says.  If the person gets forceful with them you need to tell them what to do... poke eyeballs, scream bloody murder, fight to get away, kicking, hitting, biting, scratching. This is a difficult thing because we try to teach our kids not to do these things and here we are telling them to do them.
3. Suspect and think of EVERY scenario. Everyone wants to believe the creepy neighbor is a pedophile but no one talks about or thinks about the step parent or grandparent, the family friend, the parent of your child's friend, the CHURCH MEMBER, the neighbor, the sibling, the cousin.
4. Make sure your child knows your phone number and knows how to call you or 911, no matter what, if they ever feel unsafe. Assure them that they will not ever be in trouble for telling on someone for trying to touch or see their private area.
5. Talk about it BEFORE any suspicion arises or you think there is a need. DON'T WAIT!!
6. If your child comes to you with a worry or incident, be sure you clearly talk about it, get all the details,and take it seriously. Don't approach the offender, go to the proper authorities. Do not treat this light heartedly. It is serious.

Victims:
1. Tell someone. Even if you think it wont matter now, they will never be punished for it, no one will understand; TELL SOMEONE. The healing process can not begin until you verbalize the situation. Obviously make sure it is someone you trust, your pastor, friend, parent, spouse, etc... Even if the person doesn't fully understand, just having someone to listen is a great help in the healing process.
2. YOU ARE THE VICTIM. Don't let anyone make you feel otherwise. You've done nothing wrong, you have been wronged.
3. Speak out to help others. Don't ignore that feeling.
4. Be honest with your spouse, this will affect more than you know possible. An honest, open relationship is more intimate than any other relationship. Let them know that you need their support and help to become comfortable and feel safe in their presence. Don't do things unwillingly as this will only spark more feelings of resentment towards intimacy but work to a point that you can work together to make you more comfortable being spontaneous and unpredictable. God intended for intimacy, between a man and a wife, to be a wonderfully beautiful act of love that promotes closeness and a greater love. Don't be afraid to try new things but be honest about your emotions.

Spouses:
1. Sexual abuse has a long road to recovery. Be understanding. Sometimes your partner may just need held more than anything else.
2. If you know the details of the abuse do not initiate that type of sexual activity with your partner. This can open old wounds and mess with the emotions. Making your spouse feel unsafe and vulnerable all over again. Take things slowly and at the pace your spouse is comfortable with. Do not push them to explore more sexual areas as this will cause them to resent you and intimacy in general.
3. Be encouraging and uplifting.
4. No means NO. No matter how stupid you may think that is. If you want your spouse to trust you and grow in intimacy with you make sure they know, when they say no you will stop whatever it is your doing and respect their wishes.
5. Make every intimate interaction loving and secure. Prove that she can trust you to keep her safe.


Don't let silence be an option. Do all you can to prevent sexual abuse.

El Shaddai- The ALL Sufficient One

El Shaddai... The first thing that comes to mind when I hear this name of God is the OLD Amy Grant song, popular in the 90's(maybe before then but I'm not old enough to remember that). However, while studying the name more in depth, and reading in my personal study through the book of Psalms, it has take on a whole new meaning.

Ask most people what the meaning of El Shaddai is and they will say God Almighty. This is true, it is the first definition listed; but what comes after that is what spoke to me this week.

The ALL Sufficient One.

 

 

I thought... "Well Praise The Lord" not only is his grace sufficient for me, he is ALL sufficient. Meaning that in EVERY area of my weakness, my need, my want; he is enough!!As long as I am leaning on him and borrowing from his strength, it is enough.

 

Reading through the Psalms there is this resounding theme from the writers... The Lord is my __________(you name it, he is). My Strength, My Shield, My Rock, My Fortress, My Provider, My Defender, My Shepherd, My Sustainer, My Salvation, My Healer, My Deliverer... I could spend all day naming the things that the Psalms say he is. He is ALL sufficient.

 

Everything I am NOT, He IS!!

 

This is great new. Sometimes(more often than not) as a mother and a wife I am insufficient. I am human. I fail. My sinful nature of anger, selfishness, pride, and unforgiveness show up and mess things up. However, when I am fully relying on the ALL sufficient one, things go much better. So I ask myself... "Why do I take my focus off of El Shaddai?" If I know I have his power and sufficiency at my disposal then why do I not take full advantage of it at all times. It seems to make perfect sense yet in my humanity and sinfulness I can't always see that.

 

In those times when I feel insufficient, I am so glad that he is ALL sufficient.

 

This week, search for his all sufficiency in every area of you insufficiency. Rely on him to be your El Shaddai!!

28 week update

Time is ticking away. There are days I feel like this pregnancy is flying by, then other days I am just ready for the end to come! Thankfully to this point we have had minimal complications or issues with preterm labor.

Bed rest(as much as a mommy of 4 possibly can) is seemingly working. The kids have been great with helping out around the house, doing their chores, and pitching in extra to help where they can. Kevin has been a wonderful help to me and always does what's needed without complaint. As well as family, and neighbors, who are pitching in to get the kids to and from school, dr's appt's, and other activities.

So far I have only gained 11 pounds and I am feeling pretty good.I feel like all I do is eat, and since I'm not really burning any calories while sitting I feel like I should have gained a lot more but I have always gained very little weight with boys and a lot of weight with girls! The dr. doesn't seem concerned so I will be thankful for the small gain(it will make it easier to loose)!

 Being on bed rest and sitting most of the last month I am having serious pain when I do get up to walk, going up the stairs is torture. Mostly because your muscles get weak from lack of use and also because my poor body has been put through child birth 5 times in a short span. Pray with me that my body will continue to tolerate this pain and that I will recover quickly once I am up and moving again. I worry that the bones through my pelvic area and hips are saying they are done. They literally feel like they are going to break in half every time i stand up. It can actually happen that those bones will fracture just because they have been put through s much stress and spreading and I have heard that it is very painful and hard to recover from!

I am totally ready to meet this little man. I am starting to get that "I feel totally unprepared" feeling. We thought we were done after Abigail and got rid of everything but the crib. Luckily since this is baby #5 we know what is really necessary and what is just nice to have. If we get a car seat, some preemie outfits, and a small pack of diapers I will feel like we have the essentials to come home from the hospital. We had a weekend without kids, last weekend, and Kevin pushed me all over in a wheel chair looking at baby stuff. We didn't find a car seat we liked at a reasonable price so we are continuing the search! He likes shopping for car seats and is pretty picky about them, it cracks me up. All the rest will fall into place, it always does.

The Dr. says that at about 30 weeks he plans to lift my restrictions a little bit, so I can then feel like I can do more to prepare for baby. I will still have to take it easy until 34 weeks, on average this is the week we deliver, it is the week that they will not medically intervene to stop your labor. Just thinking about being so close to 30 weeks makes me anxious. We have delivered as early as 32 weeks, that's only 4 weeks away, EEEKKK!! 33 weeks, 34 weeks, and 35 weeks. I breath a sigh of relief when we make it past 32 weeks, and we always shoot for a goal of 34 weeks(that would be March 30th). Now you see why I get anxious about having nothing done!! God has always been good, he knows when our babies are done cooking and they have all(except Carson, who would have been sick at full term) been healthy babies!

We go next week for another ultrasound just to recheck somethings they saw in earlier ultrasounds but have been assured that these things will be minor, if even still an issue at all.

We're getting close!

Raising Responsible Kids

and why it's so importnant

 

Again, with the OCD mommy confession. If there are any other OCD mommies out there you will totally get this post. Sometimes I think the Good Lord has put me through bed rest 5 times to teach me something...

 I can't do it all!!

 

Even if on a daily basis I could do it all, without being so stressed out, what happens when I am unable to do what I do??

 

As moms, and homemakers, we should take our responsibility seriously. We should do all that we can do be sure that our family feels best when at home and that home is neat, clean, well organized, and FUN!! However, many of us, or at least me, fail to understand that doing it all is not healthy for anyone involved.

 

Reasons?

 

1. It's stressful for mom, especially the larger your family grows. Even super mom, especially if she has OCD, can not do it all.

 

2. It's not a healthy reality. Did any of you get where you are in life today by having no responsibility?

 

Now, I have always held to the " A good mom can do it all " theory. Meaning if you were in the least bit frazzled, didn't finish your to do list, make an amazing craft, prepare all the meals, excavate the mountain of laundry, bath your kids every night, and do it all with a smile, while looking like a super model YOU FAIL!! Your cape is being revoked. What a laugh right?

 

Who on earth can live up to those expectations? and Why do we as young mothers buy into that lie? Well I have my opinions on that, but that's a whole other subject, on how society, reality TV, and social media is warping our expectations and perception of reality!!

 

Honestly, even if you can do all those things and keep it together, with little to no stress. It is not a healthy reality for your kids.

 

Our society has turned parenting into friendship, responsibility into entitlement, and hard work into a rarity. The American dream is the next generations nightmare, because somewhere along the line we have believed that we should make our kids all think they are winners all the time and that they will get everything in life handed to them. I am all for being your kids biggest fan but they need to know the reality of loosing too. Parents who love their kids discipline them, give them boundaries and borders! Money can't buy their happiness, good thing for us cause there is not a lot of that floating around here. We wonder why there is an entire generation of lazy, entitled, selfish brats. Why there are adults who don't want to work but expect to be spoon fed. Maybe, just maybe, it's because their parents raised them without expecting anything from them. We can't expect a child to do nothing their whole life and then MAGICALLY when they turn 18 to become a responsible adult! It's not something that is in their blood that jut kicks in at a certain age. It is a whole life time of training.

 

I totally get it. For an OCD mom who enjoys serving her family, it really does just seem easier for me to do it all, my way. However, just recently, again because of bed rest, I have realized that this is not healthy for our family. When mommy can't do it all and the house falls apart... that's a reality check!! It just isn't fair for daddy to work part time, do everything that church planting requires, and have to do mommies job too. Especially when most of it is kid's messes that they re more than capable of cleaning up.

 

For us this has meant implementing chores, as well as, a list of family responsibilities. Chores are something that they get a small payment or reward for. Family responsibilities are things that you do because every family needs to work together as responsible individuals to accomplish all that God has intended for us to do!  It has been marvelous. Mostly because I CAN NOT sit all day and look at a mess and then sit and watch my wonderful husband clean up something that I normally take care of, but it has already reduced my stress level and I am sure will only help once the baby arrives!! Who knows, maybe some of the more important things that often get missed will get done more often!

 

I've got a whole board on pintrest dedicated to this subject. I've researched age appropriate chores, but in the end I just went with my gut on what my kids where capable of. If you would like to check out my pintrest page and follow along here is the link...

http://www.pinterest.com/kellirpruitt/

 

Here's to raising responsible kids!!

 



Jehovah - Shalom

John 16:33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

Colossians 3:15 And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.

True peace. What exactly is it? There are so many different definitions... The absence of hostility, war, trouble. Quiet, tranquility. An environment of unity and agreement.

One of my favorite quotes states...

 Peace, It does not mean to be in a place that there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of these things and still be calm at heart.

 

Many would say...

 

A person who is at peace with all things, is a person who does not allow another person or event to control their emotions.

It's something we all strive for. I know few people who want to live in turmoil and strife, yet many do. The Lord says that he will give us a peace that passes all understanding. A peace so fulfilling and calming that we can't even fathom it. Yet many of us, even faithful Christians, choose not to tap into the supernatural peace that The Lord has promise us. We worry, we try to control things, we bicker and fight, all the while he's extending his perfect peace.

 

I am admittedly a control freak, OCD, whatever name you want to have for it. While this I ussure you is more than a personality flaw, it is something much bigger than the choices a person makes, it makes it difficult to be a person who is at peace. I always have a to do list in my mind. When I mark one thing off, I add another. Even when it would appear to everyone else that there is nothing more to be done, I can find something to be straightened or organized.

 

While this quality can be a wonderful asset to family life and even in ministry, it can also be a hindrance.

 

I know I have mentioned it before in older blog post but let me just say it again... I struggle to "Be still".

 

I am not just speaking of a physical state of sitting still, that can be done when needed. I am speaking of my mind and heart. The Lord tells us many time in scripture to BE STILL. I am positive he was not speaking of our physical state. A scholar who knows Greek or Hebrew may be able to tell you that the literal translation can prove that he was speaking more of the state of our heart and mind(but a scholar I am not).

 

Sure many of us will acknowledge and even ask for that peace that passes all understanding in time of trouble. When we experience a trial, the death of a loved one, some unexpected news from the Dr. However, God's hasn't just promised us peace in times of trouble. He has promised life MORE ABUNDANT, and part of that abundant life is a DAILY state of peace. Why are we only tapping into these Holy resources when we need them most. Perhaps we wouldn't find ourselves in such turmoil if we were seeking God daily and taking our daily dose of peace that passes all understanding.

 

We long for peaceful homes, harmonious living, less turmoil. Our lives, as a result, would be amazing. The world would be SUCH a better place if we were all focused solely on him.

 

Oh how I pray, each and every day, that we would WAKE UP and tap into the power source. Where is the boldness of the apostles? Where is the power of the early church? Why are we sitting back in our Christian corner silently crying as our nation continues to turn her back on God.

 

We can't count on someone else to start a revival, it has to start in US!!

 

I'm not saying to be the loud mouth, condemning christian type who is helping drive the nation further from God. I'm saying tap into the power source, who has made available all of his wonderful attributes and be Jesus to the world!!

 

Start by taking your daily dose of peace. This week, strive to be a person of peace, in your home, in  your community, in your church. Also, strive to be peaceful in your heart. Be still and allow God to fill you with peace. The peace that allows you to be gracious to your spouse when they are stressed and unload the frustrations of their day on you. The peace that allows you to use discipline as a way to reveal Jesus, and the need for a Saviour, to the strong willed child who knows exactly how to push your buttons. The peace that gives you the boldness to share your faith with the person the God puts in your path, knowing that no matter what the world may throw at you, God has you in his hand! Take a deep breath, and say a prayer, asking Jehovah Shalom, The Lord our peace, to fill you with the peace that passes all understanding!

 

Take heart!!! He has overcome the world!!