Well, today is the day. The dreaded day for an OCD mommy, who likes everything just right, and is constantly up and going. The day I had to tell the family(and myself)
I can't continue at this pace...
I need your help...
Everyone has to pitch in.
I have been having bouts of contractions no they aren't braxton hicks, I know the difference after 4 pregnancies and 4 preterm labors off and on for a few days and since preterm labor is a huge concern(as I have delivered all of our other bundles early) and I am only 17 weeks, it is time for mommy to put the feet up and do as little as possible for a few days. :(
Honestly, I am a little disappointed! I felt like I had been doing really well with limiting my activity, sitting as much as possible, monitoring the number of trips I take up and down the stairs with heavy laundry baskets, ect... I was at least expecting to make it to the midway point before having any issues.
Also, I don't want to start hearing the strings of insults added to injury, as everyone feels the need to voice their opinion about yet another pregnancy. Since all of our others have been high risk, people often ask... Why would we choose to have another pregnancy, risk another miscarriage, risk another preterm birth, unhealthy baby, and so on.
If I'm going to be honest I have to say that I have struggled with many of these questions myself this time around. Don't get me wrong, I am very excited and wonderfully blessed to be counted worthy by the Lord to deliver, raise, train, and care for another one of his children. I don't know if it is Satan and his doubt creeping in, pregnancy hormones, or the weight of others "concerned questioning" that is getting to me but something has just got me down.
This pregnancy thing is not getting any easier the older I am getting and I am already feeling very overwhelmed many days by the task of parenting the kids we have. When we first found out we were pregnant I didn't know whether to laugh or cry(I did a little of both). I wasn't sure if I was ready for this. I was afraid to tell anyone, even our family, knowing that everyone has an opinion about the amount of children we already have, let alone adding another one. There have been days since then that I have just looked at Kevin and burst out in tears, overwhelmed by the thought of adding another child into the chaos that we call life. We have very well behaved children but even just the everyday care for this many people can be overwhelming for one person and sometimes I let that overwhelmed feeling swallow up all my joy. I am consumed with worry and have spent many sleepless nights worrying about preterm labor, bed rest, hospitalization, ect... wondering how on earth things will function with mommy not going full throttle?!
I promised the Dr that I would limit myself and my activity so that he would not just bed rest me from the very beginning. He gave me a list of guideline to follow. Sitting for 15 consecutive minutes every hour, not lifting things heavier than Abigail, drinking an insane amount of water, and so on.
I've spent a lot of time feeling guilty because I am not thoroughly enjoying this pregnancy as I have the others. I LOVE being pregnant and having babies, but this time is different, and I can't figure out why. I almost haven't wanted to admit it to anyone but I have come to the point today that I reached the end of me. I have had to ask my family for help and I decided to get over my pride and ask you all for prayer. Perhaps the Lord is humbling me, trying to teach me something about my pride or my OCD. Even as I write this I fear that I sound disappointed to be having another baby, I assure you I am not. I am so excited to have another little bundle of joy, I'm just overwhelmed. :)
I'm not asking for reassurance that everything will be fine, I know this too shall pass. I'm just asking for prayer that whatever this feeling is, it will go away. That I will be able to enjoy this experience one last time and that the Lord will put his protective hand over this pregnancy and this child. He is obviously in control, this is his plan, and I want to enjoy it every step of the way. Without reservation. I just need to lean on his GRACE to get me through.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Proverbs 31: 25-26
She is clothed with strength and dignity,
and she laughs without fear of the future.
When she speaks, her words are wise,
and she gives instructions with kindness.
Proverbs 31: 25-26
Proverbs 31 is an amazing scripture reference for being a Godly wife and mother. These are a few of my favorite verses from the passage. Probably because I struggle with them. Often I find myself quivering with fear of the future, not all feeling clothed with strength and dignity, not all my words are wise, and all to often my instruction is given in frustration rather than in kindness. It is in these times that I realize I am not being a GODLY mother and wife. I am trying my WORLDLY best to be a good mother and wife but I need the Lord working through me to fill me with the characteristics listed above.
He surrounds me with strength and dignity(as a warm coat). He allows me peace about what lies ahead and Joy even in the midst of everyday life. His words are wise, and when they are hidden in my heart and used to instruct my children, then my instructions are wise and kind. In order to be a Godly mother and wife I first must be filled to the brim with him and his love. Then and only then can I fulfill the calling he has given me to train and bring my children up in his grace.
When our focus is properly on him, all other things will fall into place. I'm no SUPERMOM, but when I do things his way... He does SUPERNATURAL things through me. I am only an instrument used to communicate his love the 4(soon to be 5) wonderful little people he has blessed me with.
You pray for me and I will pray for you, that we will be filled to the brim with him, so that he can overflow into the lives of those that we, as mothers, have the most influence over. May they be filled just as tributaries, flooded with the rushing river of God's grace.
and she laughs without fear of the future.
When she speaks, her words are wise,
and she gives instructions with kindness.
Proverbs 31: 25-26
Proverbs 31 is an amazing scripture reference for being a Godly wife and mother. These are a few of my favorite verses from the passage. Probably because I struggle with them. Often I find myself quivering with fear of the future, not all feeling clothed with strength and dignity, not all my words are wise, and all to often my instruction is given in frustration rather than in kindness. It is in these times that I realize I am not being a GODLY mother and wife. I am trying my WORLDLY best to be a good mother and wife but I need the Lord working through me to fill me with the characteristics listed above.
He surrounds me with strength and dignity(as a warm coat). He allows me peace about what lies ahead and Joy even in the midst of everyday life. His words are wise, and when they are hidden in my heart and used to instruct my children, then my instructions are wise and kind. In order to be a Godly mother and wife I first must be filled to the brim with him and his love. Then and only then can I fulfill the calling he has given me to train and bring my children up in his grace.
When our focus is properly on him, all other things will fall into place. I'm no SUPERMOM, but when I do things his way... He does SUPERNATURAL things through me. I am only an instrument used to communicate his love the 4(soon to be 5) wonderful little people he has blessed me with.
You pray for me and I will pray for you, that we will be filled to the brim with him, so that he can overflow into the lives of those that we, as mothers, have the most influence over. May they be filled just as tributaries, flooded with the rushing river of God's grace.
Friday, November 15, 2013
How parenting changes from one child to the next.
So... just when you think you've got this parenting thing figured out, life throws you a curve ball. i.e. you have another child and they are the exact opposite of your first child. Parenting multiple children can often become a juggling act. Trying to accommodate their different needs and wants, personalities, what disciple techniques are affective/ noneffective, emotions, well you get the point. Then for us throw a very sick child into the mix, a few hundred days in the hospital, a few thousand test, a brain surgery, learning delays, therapies,ect, and then you really really have a juggling act on your hands. Only 2 people out of their ever loving minds would decide to continue having children and not just one of them but 3 and counting and trust that the Lord will bless us with the amount of children that we can adequately juggle :) Those 2 people would be us!
A lot of experts would love for you to believe that parenting is a one size fits all, one stop shop. Meaning if you just apply the right techniques with each of your children they will turn out to be "normal" people although I am really not sure what a good definition of NORMAL would be. I admit, when I was younger I often took this approach to parenting, honestly sometime I still find myself wondering why certain techniques are not working. Then I realize that I am falling into that trap of believing that all children are robots and when programed correctly will live exactly how I want them to.
Praise the Lord that we are all fearfully and wonderfully made, uniquely designed for his specific purpose, to fulfill his special will for our lives. Each of my precious children were formed in the womb to be their own. They are in different places physically, mentally, emotionally, and most of all spiritually.
I recently found myself at one of these crossroads. Where I was trying to use the same techniques for all the children, convincing myself that all of them should be parented in the same manner. That if they weren't in the same place social then one of them needed to adjust, suck it up, toughen up...
I had also fallen into the trap of believing that the child,or adult much like myself, who doesn't deal well with social situations and constantly worries about what others think has an issue that they just need to work through. After MANY and I do mean MANY hours of prayer, tears, lost sleep, ect. The Lord told me "Kelli, think back to your childhood, when you struggled with these very same things, and happen to be the same personality type. What would you have like to be done? What did your parents do? How did you feel? What made you feel safe, secure, and well listened to?"
I knew the answer all along. It was right in front of me. It was the story of my life literally replaying itself in front of me. Yet, because I, still as an adult, struggle with needing the approval of others I thought maybe a different approach was needed. Then, again the Lord knocked me on the head and said "Hello, I created you that way. To be sensitive to the thoughts and emotions of others. This is often a great tool that you use to minister to people that no one has has slowed down and observed well enough to see their internal hurt in their eyes. This is not always a bad thing. You don't need to be toughened up. I made you perfectly who you are. Even if that means you are an extremely emotional person. Those emotions when displayed in pure worship or outcry to me as your Heavenly Father are just the emotions I created you for."
Sin has twisted and corrupted even those things that God has created us with, to make us feel weak, unstable, ect... but when we listen to The Lord's purpose for hand crafting us in that fashion it is SUCH a different story.
He opened my eyes to the fact that I was trying to put all of my kids into this socially acceptable box when I shouldn't be concerned about what anyone thinks but him.
Even when this means that parenting 2 children in drastically different ways??
YES.
This is stemming from a roller coaster ride that we call educating our kids. We've home schooled, we've done public school, we haven't yet been able to afford Christian school, and in each of these environments some of our children have thrived and some of them have withered. Here I was trying to convince myself that what was done for 1 must be done for all. Meaning if we home schooled one, we home schooled all. If one went to public school they all did. Yet I failed to realize I can't do this. Leah, socially sensitive, like her mama, thrives in the one on one educational arena of homeschooling. Carson, who requires therapies and services that are best suited to him through the school and who is an extrovert like daddy thrives in the public school arena. So we tried to home school both, epic failure in Carson's department. So we decided to put them in public school, epic fail in Leah's department. It is obvious that trying to force one or the other into an environment that they don't thrive in will not mold them into a stronger person. In fact, it breaks them down, ruins their self confidence and steals their joy.
So while this post isn't meant to become a debate about home school vs public school, I am coming to the conclusion that each of my children is different and sometimes different means that you have to parent differently. Yes, homeschooling one, and sending one to school, while entertaining a preschooler, and energetic toddler is going to be one more ball for this pregnant mama to juggle. I'll juggle a million balls to do what's best for these kiddos, each individually!
I'm really glad that The Lord hasn't just thrown his hands up and said "Well, if you wont all listen to the same calling then I'm just done trying" No! He hears each of our prayers, each of our sufferings and worries and he answers them individually and with a specific purpose! That's why his grace is perfect, and why I'm striving to seek his grace in each parenting lesson he is teaching me!!
A lot of experts would love for you to believe that parenting is a one size fits all, one stop shop. Meaning if you just apply the right techniques with each of your children they will turn out to be "normal" people although I am really not sure what a good definition of NORMAL would be. I admit, when I was younger I often took this approach to parenting, honestly sometime I still find myself wondering why certain techniques are not working. Then I realize that I am falling into that trap of believing that all children are robots and when programed correctly will live exactly how I want them to.
Praise the Lord that we are all fearfully and wonderfully made, uniquely designed for his specific purpose, to fulfill his special will for our lives. Each of my precious children were formed in the womb to be their own. They are in different places physically, mentally, emotionally, and most of all spiritually.
I recently found myself at one of these crossroads. Where I was trying to use the same techniques for all the children, convincing myself that all of them should be parented in the same manner. That if they weren't in the same place social then one of them needed to adjust, suck it up, toughen up...
I had also fallen into the trap of believing that the child,or adult much like myself, who doesn't deal well with social situations and constantly worries about what others think has an issue that they just need to work through. After MANY and I do mean MANY hours of prayer, tears, lost sleep, ect. The Lord told me "Kelli, think back to your childhood, when you struggled with these very same things, and happen to be the same personality type. What would you have like to be done? What did your parents do? How did you feel? What made you feel safe, secure, and well listened to?"
I knew the answer all along. It was right in front of me. It was the story of my life literally replaying itself in front of me. Yet, because I, still as an adult, struggle with needing the approval of others I thought maybe a different approach was needed. Then, again the Lord knocked me on the head and said "Hello, I created you that way. To be sensitive to the thoughts and emotions of others. This is often a great tool that you use to minister to people that no one has has slowed down and observed well enough to see their internal hurt in their eyes. This is not always a bad thing. You don't need to be toughened up. I made you perfectly who you are. Even if that means you are an extremely emotional person. Those emotions when displayed in pure worship or outcry to me as your Heavenly Father are just the emotions I created you for."
Sin has twisted and corrupted even those things that God has created us with, to make us feel weak, unstable, ect... but when we listen to The Lord's purpose for hand crafting us in that fashion it is SUCH a different story.
He opened my eyes to the fact that I was trying to put all of my kids into this socially acceptable box when I shouldn't be concerned about what anyone thinks but him.
Even when this means that parenting 2 children in drastically different ways??
YES.
This is stemming from a roller coaster ride that we call educating our kids. We've home schooled, we've done public school, we haven't yet been able to afford Christian school, and in each of these environments some of our children have thrived and some of them have withered. Here I was trying to convince myself that what was done for 1 must be done for all. Meaning if we home schooled one, we home schooled all. If one went to public school they all did. Yet I failed to realize I can't do this. Leah, socially sensitive, like her mama, thrives in the one on one educational arena of homeschooling. Carson, who requires therapies and services that are best suited to him through the school and who is an extrovert like daddy thrives in the public school arena. So we tried to home school both, epic failure in Carson's department. So we decided to put them in public school, epic fail in Leah's department. It is obvious that trying to force one or the other into an environment that they don't thrive in will not mold them into a stronger person. In fact, it breaks them down, ruins their self confidence and steals their joy.
So while this post isn't meant to become a debate about home school vs public school, I am coming to the conclusion that each of my children is different and sometimes different means that you have to parent differently. Yes, homeschooling one, and sending one to school, while entertaining a preschooler, and energetic toddler is going to be one more ball for this pregnant mama to juggle. I'll juggle a million balls to do what's best for these kiddos, each individually!
I'm really glad that The Lord hasn't just thrown his hands up and said "Well, if you wont all listen to the same calling then I'm just done trying" No! He hears each of our prayers, each of our sufferings and worries and he answers them individually and with a specific purpose! That's why his grace is perfect, and why I'm striving to seek his grace in each parenting lesson he is teaching me!!
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Stop by and like my facebook page.
https://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Gods-grace-for-me-revealed-by-being-mommy/167322750116109
I'm still new to this blogging stuff and haven't quite figured out how to get all the little links and tabs on my blog that I would like to. Here is the link to my blogging facebook page. Stop by and check out the posts. Anything from meal planning, parenting and pregnancy.
Thanks,
Kelli
I'm still new to this blogging stuff and haven't quite figured out how to get all the little links and tabs on my blog that I would like to. Here is the link to my blogging facebook page. Stop by and check out the posts. Anything from meal planning, parenting and pregnancy.
Thanks,
Kelli
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Be still my soul, the Lord is by your side!
When God blesses your child with an amazingly special trait and other kids use it as a torturing device because it is different than most others what do you do?
Our daughter, Leah, has 2 different colored eyes, a wonderful trait that we have always trained her to be proud and excited about. Letting her know that God made her special and unique for a wonderful purpose. I, as a mother have always worried that kids would make fun of her for it at some point in her life. We talked as parents, when she was very young, about being VERY committed to teaching her to embrace how she was created and know that it is wonderful. Therefor the thought of a colored contact or any other way to cover up this trait just is not an option for us. We wanted to be on the same page before the issue even arose.
Like most girls, and even more genetically like the Bourland side of her family, she is a very sensitive, compassionate young lady. Will cry sympathetically for a friend whose hurting, at an emotional tv situation, ect... I tell you she gets it honest, I am a crier, my dad is a crier, his dad is a crier, she comes from a long line of criers!!!
So a few weeks ago, my fears about this subject came true. She came home from school upset that some kids on the playground had called her Frankenstein and said mean things about her eyes being different. We have always taught our kids when they are being bullied by others to show compassion and forgiveness. Explaining that their parents might not be very nice people, or may not teach them what is nice and not nice, or maybe they are dealing with a really tough situation and they were being mean because of that. While it does not excuse the behavior, we should still forgive them and pray for them. So that is the discussion we had that day, followed by instruction to go get a teacher if it happened again...
So today, I go to pick up Leah from school. I am met by a teary eyed baby girl and an equally as emotional teacher. Her teacher begins to explain what happened, that Leah was holding the door for other children to come in from recess, the line was stopped for some reason and a girl from another class calls out to her friends "Look at this FREAK she has 2 different color eyes" Leah is of course crying by now, teacher is about to, and so am I. As if that's not bad enough I expected her to say this was like a 4th or 5th grader but no... this came from the mouth of a 1st grader!! I don't know whether to be mad or feel sorry for them? Not even that they noticed her eyes and had a little laugh but that they called her a freak. My poor baby girl.
My immediate reaction is, how are we going to deal with this. 2 times in a few weeks, 2 different children have caused an issue about this. I think about the contact discussion we had 6 years ago, I think of Christian School(no guarantee it wont happen there either)l, and homeschooling(which she wants really badly and I am a total advocate for) and then I think of how we've taught her to embrace it. My mommy heart say protect, my mommy brain says teach, my inner sinner says be angry. OHH MYY so many emotions and thought right now.
My husband is out of town. I sent him a brief message concerning the issue(as he was still in meetings) he responds immediately with "How much would it cost to homeschool her" probably because he knows that's what we both want anyways(and his daddy heart jumped to protect just like mine did) To which I want to write the check tomorrow, but then have to take into consideration the other children and their needs.
Our son Carson needs some therapies and is a social person, he thrives in the school scenario and not so much when we homeschooled. Do we do things separately? Him in school and her homeschooled? We have Ethan who will start Kindy next fall and is excited to go to school like his siblings, do we consider Christian school for the boys and homeschooling for Leah(at this point our budget would never allow for that, trust me I am doing research and cutting every possible penny I can to constantly try to make that a reality)
Finally when I feel completely overwhelmed the lyrics to one of my favorite songs pops into my mind...
BE STILL MY SOUL, THE LORD IS BY YOUR SIDE... I try to calm my mind and pray to the Lord. I reason with him about public school and how he knows I hate the thought and have struggled with it since we moved here, I reason with him about our budget and Christian school, or homeschooling, I talk with him about his command to guard my children's hearts and how I so desire to just do that perfectly, but I'm not perfect... I'm not being very still even in my prayers. So I stop and ask for wisdom and just wait to hear from him...
Being a parent is hard work, being a Godly parent is even harder... wisdom is essential.
Until I hear that still small voice I remember these verses from Psalm "I lift my eye's until the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and earth." The Lord knows my every desire, and as far as this subject goes, they haven't' changed lately. I need to be still, and lift my eyes to him, he is the source of my strength.
Waiting for answers is NOT easy, but it's just another way that being a mommy has taught me to rely fully on God's grace.
Our daughter, Leah, has 2 different colored eyes, a wonderful trait that we have always trained her to be proud and excited about. Letting her know that God made her special and unique for a wonderful purpose. I, as a mother have always worried that kids would make fun of her for it at some point in her life. We talked as parents, when she was very young, about being VERY committed to teaching her to embrace how she was created and know that it is wonderful. Therefor the thought of a colored contact or any other way to cover up this trait just is not an option for us. We wanted to be on the same page before the issue even arose.
Like most girls, and even more genetically like the Bourland side of her family, she is a very sensitive, compassionate young lady. Will cry sympathetically for a friend whose hurting, at an emotional tv situation, ect... I tell you she gets it honest, I am a crier, my dad is a crier, his dad is a crier, she comes from a long line of criers!!!
So a few weeks ago, my fears about this subject came true. She came home from school upset that some kids on the playground had called her Frankenstein and said mean things about her eyes being different. We have always taught our kids when they are being bullied by others to show compassion and forgiveness. Explaining that their parents might not be very nice people, or may not teach them what is nice and not nice, or maybe they are dealing with a really tough situation and they were being mean because of that. While it does not excuse the behavior, we should still forgive them and pray for them. So that is the discussion we had that day, followed by instruction to go get a teacher if it happened again...
So today, I go to pick up Leah from school. I am met by a teary eyed baby girl and an equally as emotional teacher. Her teacher begins to explain what happened, that Leah was holding the door for other children to come in from recess, the line was stopped for some reason and a girl from another class calls out to her friends "Look at this FREAK she has 2 different color eyes" Leah is of course crying by now, teacher is about to, and so am I. As if that's not bad enough I expected her to say this was like a 4th or 5th grader but no... this came from the mouth of a 1st grader!! I don't know whether to be mad or feel sorry for them? Not even that they noticed her eyes and had a little laugh but that they called her a freak. My poor baby girl.
My immediate reaction is, how are we going to deal with this. 2 times in a few weeks, 2 different children have caused an issue about this. I think about the contact discussion we had 6 years ago, I think of Christian School(no guarantee it wont happen there either)l, and homeschooling(which she wants really badly and I am a total advocate for) and then I think of how we've taught her to embrace it. My mommy heart say protect, my mommy brain says teach, my inner sinner says be angry. OHH MYY so many emotions and thought right now. My husband is out of town. I sent him a brief message concerning the issue(as he was still in meetings) he responds immediately with "How much would it cost to homeschool her" probably because he knows that's what we both want anyways(and his daddy heart jumped to protect just like mine did) To which I want to write the check tomorrow, but then have to take into consideration the other children and their needs.
Our son Carson needs some therapies and is a social person, he thrives in the school scenario and not so much when we homeschooled. Do we do things separately? Him in school and her homeschooled? We have Ethan who will start Kindy next fall and is excited to go to school like his siblings, do we consider Christian school for the boys and homeschooling for Leah(at this point our budget would never allow for that, trust me I am doing research and cutting every possible penny I can to constantly try to make that a reality)
Finally when I feel completely overwhelmed the lyrics to one of my favorite songs pops into my mind...
BE STILL MY SOUL, THE LORD IS BY YOUR SIDE... I try to calm my mind and pray to the Lord. I reason with him about public school and how he knows I hate the thought and have struggled with it since we moved here, I reason with him about our budget and Christian school, or homeschooling, I talk with him about his command to guard my children's hearts and how I so desire to just do that perfectly, but I'm not perfect... I'm not being very still even in my prayers. So I stop and ask for wisdom and just wait to hear from him...
Being a parent is hard work, being a Godly parent is even harder... wisdom is essential.
Until I hear that still small voice I remember these verses from Psalm "I lift my eye's until the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and earth." The Lord knows my every desire, and as far as this subject goes, they haven't' changed lately. I need to be still, and lift my eyes to him, he is the source of my strength.
Waiting for answers is NOT easy, but it's just another way that being a mommy has taught me to rely fully on God's grace.
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