Well, today is the day. The dreaded day for an OCD mommy, who likes everything just right, and is constantly up and going. The day I had to tell the family(and myself)
I can't continue at this pace...
I need your help...
Everyone has to pitch in.
I have been having bouts of contractions no they aren't braxton hicks, I know the difference after 4 pregnancies and 4 preterm labors off and on for a few days and since preterm labor is a huge concern(as I have delivered all of our other bundles early) and I am only 17 weeks, it is time for mommy to put the feet up and do as little as possible for a few days. :(
Honestly, I am a little disappointed! I felt like I had been doing really well with limiting my activity, sitting as much as possible, monitoring the number of trips I take up and down the stairs with heavy laundry baskets, ect... I was at least expecting to make it to the midway point before having any issues.
Also, I don't want to start hearing the strings of insults added to injury, as everyone feels the need to voice their opinion about yet another pregnancy. Since all of our others have been high risk, people often ask... Why would we choose to have another pregnancy, risk another miscarriage, risk another preterm birth, unhealthy baby, and so on.
If I'm going to be honest I have to say that I have struggled with many of these questions myself this time around. Don't get me wrong, I am very excited and wonderfully blessed to be counted worthy by the Lord to deliver, raise, train, and care for another one of his children. I don't know if it is Satan and his doubt creeping in, pregnancy hormones, or the weight of others "concerned questioning" that is getting to me but something has just got me down.
This pregnancy thing is not getting any easier the older I am getting and I am already feeling very overwhelmed many days by the task of parenting the kids we have. When we first found out we were pregnant I didn't know whether to laugh or cry(I did a little of both). I wasn't sure if I was ready for this. I was afraid to tell anyone, even our family, knowing that everyone has an opinion about the amount of children we already have, let alone adding another one. There have been days since then that I have just looked at Kevin and burst out in tears, overwhelmed by the thought of adding another child into the chaos that we call life. We have very well behaved children but even just the everyday care for this many people can be overwhelming for one person and sometimes I let that overwhelmed feeling swallow up all my joy. I am consumed with worry and have spent many sleepless nights worrying about preterm labor, bed rest, hospitalization, ect... wondering how on earth things will function with mommy not going full throttle?!
I promised the Dr that I would limit myself and my activity so that he would not just bed rest me from the very beginning. He gave me a list of guideline to follow. Sitting for 15 consecutive minutes every hour, not lifting things heavier than Abigail, drinking an insane amount of water, and so on.
I've spent a lot of time feeling guilty because I am not thoroughly enjoying this pregnancy as I have the others. I LOVE being pregnant and having babies, but this time is different, and I can't figure out why. I almost haven't wanted to admit it to anyone but I have come to the point today that I reached the end of me. I have had to ask my family for help and I decided to get over my pride and ask you all for prayer. Perhaps the Lord is humbling me, trying to teach me something about my pride or my OCD. Even as I write this I fear that I sound disappointed to be having another baby, I assure you I am not. I am so excited to have another little bundle of joy, I'm just overwhelmed. :)
I'm not asking for reassurance that everything will be fine, I know this too shall pass. I'm just asking for prayer that whatever this feeling is, it will go away. That I will be able to enjoy this experience one last time and that the Lord will put his protective hand over this pregnancy and this child. He is obviously in control, this is his plan, and I want to enjoy it every step of the way. Without reservation. I just need to lean on his GRACE to get me through.
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