What do you do when knowing God is in control still doesn't ease the pain?

So... some of you have noticed and asked me about my quietness and lack of updating on the baby. It is, in fact, purposefully, but now it is time that I feel comfortable breaking the silence.

Baby P 20 weeks 3D

Profile 20 weeks

A little gymnast. Knees touching the nose and toes above the head.

We had our regularly scheduled ultrasound last week,Wednesday, December 11th. Everything was going as you would normally expect in an ultrasound. We had told the technician that I didn't want to know the gender of the baby and she could find out and put it in an envelope for our Christmas reveal. She was measuring away. I always mention Carson's Chiari when they get to the brain part, I want them to pay close attention to their measurements and be more conscious of any issues. She mentioned that there was some excess fluid around the head and she was going to talk to the Dr about it and see what he wanted to do, but we went on with the ultrasound to get the other measurements and all the cute pictures. Once we got to a certain point she was doing a lot of searching and trying to get the baby to move, she told us that she could not get a clear measurement and view of the heart and that we may have to come back for another ultrasound. She sealed an envelope with the gender and we went on about our day awaiting a call from the Dr to tell us when he would like us to come back for another scan.

The next morning the Dr called and said that he was worried about excess fluid and swelling around the babies heart, as well as the fluid around the head. This is when i got scared!! The fluid around the brain didn't overly worry me, I mean, we've been there, done that. I was confident we could deal with those kinds of issues again, although we would not choose to, we could if needed; but issues with the heart?? That's just a whole other basket of issues to deal with. It's scary, and could be life threatening. They wanted to send us up to the Fetal Maternal Medicine Specialist in Indy and have a more in depth ultrasound and assessment done. She told me she would call me back with an appointment.

I'll just be honest and tell you that at this point I had a total melt down. Minutes seemed like hours, and hours seemed like days as we waited for them to call with an appointment. Thankfully Kevin was home for the morning hours. We were pretty much just stunned and in shock. We both cope completely differently with stress and issues. I cry, he shut off. He was trying his hardest to comfort me and I knew that all he was saying was true but it was not helping at the time.

He must have said 100 times "God is in control." Each time, in midst of my slowly breaking heart, I would think "Would you shut up?" Then after about 100 times I finally said it out loud. It didn't come out that way exactly, I had had some time to think about how to put it more graciously each time it was said. I mustered up enough wherewithal to mutter a few words before the tears started streaming...

 "Don't you think I know God is in control? Wasn't God in control when we spent an entire year with Carson in the hospital? Wasn't God in control when it meant hours of testing, poking, prodding, NG tubes, aspirating, pneumonia, being told to tell your baby bye 3 times in a short year before they FINALLY figured out what was wrong with him?" (BLANK STARE) "I know God's in control" I said "but that doesn't mean it will just disappear and everything will be OK. Don't you remember how hard that was when we only had 1 other child, now we have 4, what are we going to do?"

I am so glad that came out on my husband and not on some other well meaning Christian who tried to tell me God was in control.

So what do you do when knowing God is in control still doesn't ease the pain??

I'm not sure what you would do but I will tell you what I did... I cried ALOT, I poured my heart out to God over and over again asking for comfort and peace, and I immersed myself in scripture. Each time I opened the word to a passage it was as if God was directly speaking to me. Lots of verses about worry and fear popped into my path. I put my favorite song "Be still my soul, In you I rest" by Kari Jobe on repeat throughout the day. Guess what??? Maybe I am not as spiritual as some of you but even though I was immersed and surrounded by the Lord I was still worried. Did I know he was in control? YES. Was it the magic cure all? NO. I struggled; and I want you to know that. Many times I think that we as Christians(especially Pastor's wives) put on this perfect face in every situation. We act like we are invincible but the truth is we are hurting like everyone else. The church is a place for sick, hurting, battered, dirty, stinking people; Not a museum to pretend and show how perfect our lives are. It's no wondering a world of hurting people can't relate to most Christians, they all think we are perfect and have no problems, they feel condemned not understood!!

Sometimes the struggle is REAL, and it's really hard. I will say I can't imagine getting through tragedy and things in life without my relationship with the Lord, because there is a certain hope that I have in him, but that doesn't mean life is a bed of roses.

So... They FINALLY called us with an appointment. The words that came out of her mouth "NEXT TUESDAY" seemed cruel and unimaginable. How could you wait 4 days without knowing? It was a long 4 days but I am very thankful that it was only 4 days. I know sometimes it can take weeks to get into a specialist. Those 4 days were filled with good and bad times. Lots of prayer; and lots of Silence. You all know that I don't literally mean silence completely, there are 4 kids in this house, but my life was seemingly silent. I was fearfully seeking the presence of the Lord during every waking moment. I prayed for sleep, peace, and I prayed that I would feel the baby move more than normal just for assurance(I know, that is specific and maybe weird but the baby did move a lot during those 4 days)

Today was the day. Kevin was so nervous he looked like he was going to faint. He couldn't sit still. I was just trying to hold back tears before we even get there. We prayed in the car before going in. Let me just say I am so thankful for the amazing man of God that I get to call my husband! He is a rock, even when it's hard and I am falling apart.

We go in and have a VERY long and in depth ultrasound. Lots of questions are asked about previous pregnancies, ect... Then the Dr. come in and does some looking around and measuring the baby as well. This literally seemed like an eternity and I really thought Kevin was going to puke before the Dr. finally started talking.

He said "Let me start by telling you that the concerns your Dr. had that caused him to send you here are not at all troublesome to me". Instant wieght lifted from my entire being and I could breathe easier!! He saw nothing wrong with the heart at all and said the fluid around the brain was within normal parameters. He then followed that with some news about some things that were concerning to him. These we are not yet sharing because there is no need to worry everyone until we know anything for sure, but he spent about 30 minutes explaining a lot of information to us about these things, some testing that we needed to do, a lot of statistics, and a plan of action. Then he let us ask questions and decide if we would accept his plan of action. We decided to go ahead with some more testing and met with a genetic counselor; as well as getting about a gallon of blood drawn. The chances of these things they are testing for is small, but things that we have an increased risk for, and some of the abnormalities on the ultrasound are common with them.Even while the possibility of some issues still wait in the unknown, I am so at peace. While I would not choose for our child to have ANY issues I feel much better about dealing with ANY issue other than the heart. I guess for me the heart is just the center of life and it was really scary to me. So while I am still a tad bit worried, I don't feel overly consumed.

We should have some preliminary test results back in a week and we will know where we need to go from there.

We would appreciate and request your continued prayer for this little baby! I had just gotten to a point in the pregnancy where I had determined to stop worrying and start enjoying and then all of this happened. I am still trying to seek what God is trying to teach me through all of this. I am still holding to the promise "His GRACE is sufficient for me, his strength is made perfect in my weakness"

Behold, the maidservant of the Lord!!

As the Christmas season approaches and the story of the birth of Christ is on our minds there are many things that we can take from a well known story. Sometimes we concentrate only on certain parts of the story and completely skip over others. This year as the Birthday of Christ arrives I encourage you to read Luke's account of the birth with eye wide open. Seeking to learn something new. This happened to me this week while working in the kids ministry at our church. The lesson was being given and it was a well known part of the story, but one phrase was said and it sent my mind whirling, 100 miles an hour.

Luke gives the most detailed account of the events that lead up to the birth of Christ as well as the event itself. In this passage Luke 1:26-38 the birth of Jesus is foretold to a very important piece of the puzzle. There are several things that have jumped out to me since reading the account thoroughly but the one I want to concentrate on MOST is the response of Mary.

²⁶ In the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent from God to a city of Galilee named Nazareth, ²⁷ to a virgin betrothed^[a] to a man whose name was Joseph, of the house of David. And the virgin's name was Mary. ²⁸ And he came to her and said, “Greetings, O favored one, the Lord is with you!”^{[b] 29} But she was greatly troubled at the saying, and tried to discern what sort of greeting this might be. ³⁰ And the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. ³¹ And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus. ³² He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. And the Lord God will give to him the throne of his father David, ³³ and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of his kingdom there will be no end.”

³⁴ And Mary said to the angel, “How will this be, since I am a virgin?”<sup>[c]

35</sup> And the angel answered her, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you; therefore the child to be born^[d] will be called holy—the Son of God. ³⁶ And behold, your relative Elizabeth in her old age has also conceived a son, and this is the sixth month with her who was called barren. ³⁷ For nothing will be impossible with God.” ³⁸ And Mary said, “Behold, I am the servant^[e] of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.” And the angel departed from her.

Now we all see Mary's initial surprise. I'm pretty sure if an angel appeared to us, we would be surprised at first too!! Then the angel says to her "Do not be afraid, you have found favor with the Lord" WOW!! Mary's parents must have done some serious training, or somewhere along the way she had an amazing Christian role model in her life. To find high favor in the Lord's site she must have been an outstanding woman. Then the angel tells her of the Lord's plan for her(don't we all wish it was that clear) and she has an honest question. "How can this be?" It was not a ridiculous question, after all she was a virgin. She was genuinely confused. She wasn't questioning God's plan, she was just asking for clarification. So the angel gives her clarification and tells her of another miracle that is under way, her cousin Elizabeth, in her old age has conceived. All of these things are things that we often concentrate on when telling the story but what I want to concentrate on is the final response that Mary has.

³⁸ And Mary said, “Behold, I am the servant^[e] of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.” And the angel departed from her.

Absolute surrender, total trust and confidence,let it be. You know sometimes we skim over that as if it was no big deal. We know that it was the Lord's will to use Mary in this manner and sometimes I think we take for granted that she had the absolute perfect response!! WHAT IF SHE HAD SAID NO?? That was an option. Because we look back on it as history we see it as set in stone, final, the only way. However, we should realize that Mary could have said "No Way!! You are crazy, find someone else." I am sure that the Lord knew she had a heart for his will and would have the proper response but that doesn't change the fact that she was human and she could have said no.

Many time in life, when we find the will of God for our lives we don't have the proper response. We question God. We flat out tell him no. We worry what others will think. We try to think out all the scenario's in our mind and figure it out ourselves. We try to play god in our own lives and we deny the power and grace of God over our lives because we fail to just take him at his word and do as he says.

Here's the phrase that hit me this week...

You never know if what God is asking you to do will change the whole world.

Wow! That made me think(I'm not sure any of the kids got it but I sure did). I thought, geez, I could be giving birth to the next great missionary, Jim Elliot, Billy Graham, Corrie Ten Boom. Here I am complaining and questioning God's plan, because it wasn't what I had pre-determined in my heart, when he has a plan for this child!! Of course, it wasn't as clearly presented as the angel Gabriel coming down and telling me I was birthing the Messiah, but in that moment it seemed like I had seen an angel. Even if this child grows in the Lord and only reaches 1 soul for the Lord he will have served a purpose in the kingdom. Someone 20 years from now may be waiting, hurting, searching, and this child may be the smiling face that encourages them and leads them to the Lord. :) Brings tears to my eye's just thinking about it.

Daily, it seems, that we as Christians totally ignore the will of the Lord that has been made perfectly clear to us because it makes us uncomfortable(The Great Commission) and then wonder why he isn't revealing anything great to us. Mary was highly favored, this leads me to assume that she was daily walking in the will and promises of the Lord. The Lord didn't choose her for such a great task randomly, he knew clearly that she was a follower of him. Don't expect God to reveal something great to you, if you wont deny yourself daily, take up your cross and follow him. The blessing that we are missing out on because we wont simply obey. OUCH!!

As I have pondered these things I have prayed to the Lord "help me to have the heart and response of Mary. Anytime you as anything of me,  give me the GRACE that my response would be that of absolute surrender, total trust, and peace. Let it be! Behold, the maidservant of the Lord!"

Week 17 update

Had my regularly scheduled appointment today at 17 weeks, 3 days. I would have had to make an appointment even if I had not had one scheduled because I have been having some contractions and cramping the last week or so. I had been holding off calling the Dr. because I knew I would be there this week anyways.

I have finally gain 3 pounds so he was happy about that(I'm pretty sure my date with the tub of Hershey Smore's Icing a few days ago had somethign to do with that). I feel like all I have done all week is eat. I wake up hungry, I go to bed hungry, I eat all day long. Hey, he told me I needed to gain a little more weight so what's the harm. It's mostly fruit and healthy snacks anyways, except the icing incident!

Baby was once again so wiggly that it took forever to find a heartbeat and even when she did find one the baby quickly shifted and she had to search again so we have no exact count but it sounded good and healthy. :)

When I explained that I had been having some contractions but that I wasn't overly concerned because when I sat down they would go away after a while. She agreed that she wasn't overly concerned but that with my history it would be smart to take it as easy as possible she increased the restrictions a little bit. Gave my a weight restriction, told me not to carry laundry baskets or children up the stairs, limit the trips up the stairs to only necessary trips, and increase the ungodly amount of water I am already drinking by 20 ounces. There was a little indication that I may have a UTI and she was sending a sample for that hoping that the contractions are just being caused by bladder irritability. She gave me the spcheel about preterm labor and told me to use my best judgement because they wont hesitate to put me on hospital bedrest which is something we definitly DO NOT want. It would be very hard for the kids to cope with a long hospital stay and Kevin is currently working 2 jobs not including church work so that would make things pretty difficult on him.

So, as a warning... If you plan on beign at my house between now and the month of may expect it to be messy. It will drive me insane but a healthy baby is important and we have to keep this little one cooking as long as possible.

We scheduled the ultrasound for next Wednesday, which is a little earlier than I expected. We plan on having them put the gender in an envelope and have mom and dad make up a special box for us to open as a family on Christmas Eve. So it will be almost 2 weeks after the ultrasound before we actually know if it is a boy or a girl. I thought waiting a few days would be hard :/ I can't wait to know the gender so we can nail down names and get a few of the things we need(since we thought we were done after Abigail we got rid of everything).

Prayerfully things will remain quiet and we wont have any issues to report at or before my next appointment on New year's eve. Thanks as always for your prayers!

Kelli

Honesty...from the heart of a struggling mom.

Well, today is the day. The dreaded day for an OCD mommy, who likes everything just right, and is constantly up and going. The day I had to tell the family(and myself)
I can't continue at this pace...
I need your help...
Everyone has to pitch in.

 I have been having bouts of contractions no they aren't braxton hicks, I know the difference after 4 pregnancies and 4 preterm labors off and on for a few days and since preterm labor is a huge concern(as I have delivered all of our other bundles early) and I am only 17 weeks, it is time for mommy to put the feet up and do as little as possible for a few days. :(

Honestly, I am a little disappointed! I felt like I had been doing really well with limiting my activity, sitting as much as possible, monitoring the number of trips I take up and down the stairs with heavy laundry baskets, ect... I was at least expecting to make it to the midway point before having any issues.

 Also, I don't want to start hearing the strings of insults added to injury, as everyone feels the need to voice their opinion about yet another pregnancy. Since all of our others have been high risk, people often ask... Why would we choose to have another pregnancy, risk another miscarriage, risk another preterm birth, unhealthy baby, and so on.

If I'm going to be honest I have to say that I have struggled with many of these questions myself this time around. Don't get me wrong, I am very excited and wonderfully blessed to be counted worthy by the Lord to deliver, raise, train, and care for another one of his children. I don't know if it is Satan and his doubt creeping in, pregnancy hormones, or the weight of others "concerned questioning" that is getting to me but something has just got me down.

 This pregnancy thing is not getting any easier the older I am getting and I am already feeling very overwhelmed many days by the task of parenting the kids we have. When we first found out we were pregnant I didn't know whether to laugh or cry(I did a little of both). I wasn't sure if I was ready for this. I was afraid to tell anyone, even our family, knowing that everyone has an opinion about the amount of children we already have, let alone adding another one.  There have been days since then that I have just looked at Kevin and burst out in tears, overwhelmed by the thought of adding another child into the chaos that we call life. We have very well behaved children but even just the everyday care for this many people can be overwhelming for one person and sometimes I let that overwhelmed feeling swallow up all my joy. I am consumed with worry and have spent many sleepless nights worrying about preterm labor, bed rest, hospitalization, ect... wondering how on earth things will function with mommy not going full throttle?!

I promised the Dr that I would limit myself and my activity so that he would not just bed rest me from the very beginning. He gave me a list of guideline to follow. Sitting for 15 consecutive minutes every hour, not lifting things heavier than Abigail, drinking an insane amount of water, and so on.

I've spent a lot of time feeling guilty because I am not thoroughly enjoying this pregnancy as I have the others. I LOVE being pregnant and having babies, but this time is different, and I can't figure out why. I almost haven't wanted to admit it to anyone but I have come to the point today that I reached the end of me. I have had to ask my family for help and I decided to get over my pride and ask you all for prayer. Perhaps the Lord is humbling me, trying to teach me something about my pride or my OCD. Even as I write this I fear that I sound disappointed to be having another baby, I assure you I am not. I am so excited to have another little bundle of joy, I'm just overwhelmed. :)

I'm not asking for reassurance that everything will be fine, I know this too shall pass. I'm just asking for prayer that whatever this feeling is, it will go away. That I will be able to enjoy this experience one last time and that the Lord will put his protective hand over this pregnancy and this child. He is obviously in control, this is his plan, and I want to enjoy it every step of the way. Without reservation. I just need to lean on his GRACE to get me through.