Dirty Towels and Full hearts

So... I decided last week that this was going to be the summer of outside! Our goal is to be outside WAY more than we are inside and so far we have accomplished that greatly.

We have been to many state parks(annual park pass is the way to go, btw), hiking trails, and playgrounds. We've worked at the church property, played in the barn, and gone to the pool. The kids are thrilled and exhausted!

The house isn't as tidy as normal, the laundry is WAY behind, and the bath tubs are proof that we have had too much fun getting dirty; but the way the giggles, awe-filled eyes, and adventure fill my heart, and theirs, in so worth it.

Today, we started our light-work summer home schooling. So we have been home and trying to arrange our schedule to see what works best for us. We finished school for everyone, I gave the boys hair cuts and they showered. They used the last of the towels under the bathroom sink, so I yelled downstairs and asked someone to bring me a towel and I jumped in the shower... When I started drying off with said towel, I thought "WOW, that towel smells really good!" Then my brain engaged.

"WAIT A MINUTE... That's not how our laundry detergent smells, That's how the TOILET CLEANER smells."

Oh my goodness, I felt like puking. I literally had the towel to my face drying it, it had just been in my hair, but what's a mama to do? "We clean the bathroom every day so how dirty can it really be right?" I finished drying my body and headed downstairs to confirm my thoughts.

"Hey guys, who cleaned the bathroom last night? Did you use a purple towel?" YES :(

2 discussions were had
1. When I ask for a towel from the laundry it needs to come straight out of the dryer, where the clean clothes are(thank you Abigail)
2. Cleaning rags and towels are not the same thing and can not be used interchangeably.

So... I guess I should do laundry, so we have clean towels, and cleaning rags!!

God's timing is sometimes suprising

Some of you may have heard our recent announcement that we have decided to home school our kids next year! Yes, I'm so excited, but it would be a small white lie if I said that the journey towards this joyous moment was easy.

12+ years ago, when Kevin and I got married, we were head over heals in love. We knew that we were complete opposites, came from very different backgrounds, and did not see eye to eye on everything, but LOVE covers a multitude of things, right?!?

When we started having children, rapidly, it was apparent that our parenting styles, and examples of what parenting looks like, were slightly(please catch the sarcasm here) different. There were a lot of things that we did not agree on. I thought I knew it all, or at least acted like I did. Kevin really had never been around kids so he was just going by what he had seen modeled his whole life, which couldn't have been any different than what I had grown up with. Let's just say that there was a small- ok, ENORMOUS- learning curve for both of us.

I always had this dream of being barefoot and pregnant for eternity, living in the country, line drying clothes, cooking home cooked meals, and homeschooling our slew of kids all at the same time. Kevin's dream looked much different.

Kevin's exposure to home schooling was socially awkward children, or children who were "homeschooled" but really weren't :( He was adamantly opposed to the idea, despite the fact that I, his wife, was a completely normal, accomplished, intelligent,  home school graduate.

Our kids were young and I was sure I could sway him in the next few years so I just began praying that God would change his heart on the matter.

When our kids became school aged, we lived in a very small community, with good schools and we made the decision to send them to public school. Our oldest had a very hard time adjusting(which we now know is because of general anxiety disorder- specifically school related anxiety) and our second oldest never skipped a beat. It was a wonderful year that softened my view of sending our kids to school.

After a year and a half, and a move out of state(to a VERY liberal city) we still did not see eye to eye on this issue. Kevin wanted to put them in public school and the thought literally made me sick. I was still praying DAILY that God would change the circumstances and he just kept saying "No".

After a year in our current school system it was OBVIOUS that another decision needed to be made. I started looking into christian schools in our area, knowing good and well that we could not afford them, but I wanted to prove that to Kevin(and God laughed).

I was on bedrest, pregnant with our 5th(surprise) blessing. God knew I was in no position to home school 3 kids, have a toddler, and be on bedrest. He opened so many amazing doors, got us grants and scholarships, and our kids were approved to attend Lighthouse Christian Academy. God literally knew exactly what we needed at that time. It was the best 3 year experience ever.

I decided "Ok God, I hear you, load and clear. Homeschooling is not in the cards for us."

Strangely, the person in me who had always wanted to be a mommy was kind of lost in mommy land. I didn't really know who I was or what drove me anymore. God used a ladies conference, which I was the speaker for, to prompt me to go back to school to get my teaching degree. I literally had no confidence in my ability  to do this but I took the leap. I dove in, head long, perfectionist personality and all, and I have loved every minute of it- minus the semester I took math!  My world was rocked by some other things that God decided I needed to deal with this year and WOW what a journey(but that's another post).

It felt like after all of that our feet were just getting underneath of us. I have 1 year of classes left, the church bought property and is in the beginning stages of building, family life is clam, and everyone is happy. I was pursuing a license for in home child care and expanding my business, juggling it all.

AND THEN...

Kevin comes to me in January and drops the bombshell. He thinks we need to make a change in the kids education, and we all know how he feels about homeschooling so we know it has to be a total God thing. I laughed, not out load, but in my mind. "Ok, now, at the most inconvenient time possible, you want to home school."

I was completely happy where the kids were, I don't like change, and yes, I know this is what I have been begging for for the last 6 years but I got over it. My plans changed, I was seeing visions of kids in school and me teaching.

So, we prayed, and prayed, and talked, and talked. We took a 10 day trip for business and spent the whole time wrestling with this. We ultimately came to the same conclusion by the end of the trip, that we were clearly hearing from God that this was the way to go, and for one of our children, it meant, effective immediately(remember that school induced anxiety).

Don't get me wrong, I was thrilled, but confused. Why has God told me no, wait, and think again for the last 6 years to answer my prayer at literally the MOST inconvenient time for ME? Why did he lead me to go back to school if the ultimate goal was not to get a degree and a job?

Over the next few month God began to cement our decision through many circumstances. I am so glad that we made our decision public before some things began to crumble or people would have thought it was all reactionary. Now it's obvious it was a God thing.

I still have no idea why God's answer was WAIT for so long, or why it is YES right now, but I know he has a plan(Jer 29:11) and while we make our plans, he secures our steps(Proverbs 16:9) so I'm just going to trust that he's got it and rejoice that I am FINALLY getting what I always wanted!!

Things are always better in God's timing!

Mommy is lazy

I've come to the painful conclusion this week that most of my frustration with my kids is not because they are terribly disobedient, trust me they have their moments but they are good kids. Instead, it's because of my own laziness.
Sometimes we, as moms, stretch ourselves too thin and get stressed out. Not only do we then snap at everyone more easily, we also tend to get lax in some areas which in turn trickles into everything.
My frustration is mostly because I'm not preparing as much as I used to in order to avoid the times I know will be difficult and instead of being consistent in our routine and disciplining I've gotten lax and now they are just confused, not rebellious.

Time to revamp and stop making excuses.

Yes, I'm tired, but I'm always tired.
Yes, I'm outnumbered but that is not going to change  anytime soon.
Yes, I want to be happy and productive again, and everyone else needs that from me.

If I do my part, they can more easily do theirs.

Godly Confidence- Your worth, found in the shadow of the cross.

I’ve always been a little jealous of the Proverbs 31 woman. She set such a high bar of expectations that it seems impossible to measure up. That is what we do right? Spend our whole lives trying to measure up, fearing that we won’t be good enough, we will never be accepted, and become so paralyzed by fear that we sit idle and watch life pass us by missing opportunity after opportunity. I’ve spent the last year trying to figure out why we let fear control us? Is it a lack of confidence? Is it an abundance of pride? Fear of failure is an immobilizer in my own life. It keeps me from going back to school to pursue a teaching career because I’m too old, from cooking meals for my family because I am a horrible cook, from being the best mother I can be because I can never accomplish all that needs to be done. Yet I read about this woman and the one verse that stands out to me is vs 25. 

Strength and dignity are her clothing. She laughs without fear of the future.

 I’ve always read that vs and thought “man I wish I could have that kind of confidence”.

Many Christians struggle with the thought of Confidence. They seem to be confused between Godly Confidence and pride. Even Self-confidence as defined above is healthy when we ultimately find our confidence in the realization of all that Christ is and all that we are not.

Confidence is… Quiet

Pride is… Loud

Confidence is…Willing to learn

Pride…knows it all already

Confidence is… selfless

Pride is… selfish

Confidence…knows it weakness

Pride… thinks it has none

When confidence turns to pride, we stop learning. Healthy confidence knows it’s strength and abilities but is willing to ask for help and knows it’s weaknesses.

Scripture encourages Godly confidence…

Jeremiah 17:7

 Blessed is the woman who trusts is in the Lord, and has made the Lord her hope and confidence. For she is like a tree planted by the water, whose root are deep, she does not fear the heat, and continues to produce fruit even in the time of drought.

Comparison is the enemy of confidence

 Don’t get caught up in comparing yourself to others. 

DO NOT compare your outtakes to someone else’s highlight reel. 

Social media has created a monster. Here we are looking through our news feed and we see the mom at our church who has her 2 toddlers perfectly dressed and both smiling so sweetly for a candid photo with their arms around each other like they just love each other to pieces. Meanwhile we just tried to get one decent picture with all of our kids in it which resulted in hair being pulled, fingers being stepped on, the baby is screaming his face off, the oldest is wrestling the screaming baby and keeping that smile glued on her face because she’s finally reached the age that she knows to look at the camera and smile no matter what, the boys are in a fist fight, and the 3 year old has her finger up her nose. Instagram doesn’t have a filter for that!! Our old highschool friend is tweeting about her extravagant vacation while the closest thing I’ve had to a vaca in the past month was a 10 minute shower at the YMCA because I actually get more privacy in the communal shower than I do at home!! But here is what we fail to remember… it probably took 10 retakes, an outfit change, and some major bribery for a trip to Jumping Joeys for that perfect picture and our friend didn’t tweet about the long nights spent at the office working overtime, the massive amount of debt they may have accumulated to get that vacation, and the fact that they will be working late nights for months to pay it off. We can’t edit real life the way we edit our FB page and no one’s life is what it appears to be from the outside.

Some of us are better than others at playing the masquerade game when we are slowly dying inside. God created us to come together and support one another. How are we supposed to be a support system when every time we come together we all act like we have it together and leave the same hurting, heart-broken, falling apart mess that we came in as. I get it, sin has perverted the hearts of us all. We are terrified that if anyone knew the real us, the broken, hurting, struggling, drowning us they would never let us in the door of the church again. Guess what??? That’s all of us. We are all just too afraid to say it. Instead, when asked how we’re doing we respond with the obviously fake “Oh, everything is great”, “couldn’t be better” or my favorite… FINE… Fine is just code for Frazzled, Irrational, Neurotic, and Exhausted.

When we realize that God created us on purpose, for a purpose, and with a purpose we will stop looking to finite things around us to find our purpose and look to him to fulfill the story he has already written for us. (Ephesians 2:10)

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus, unto good works, which he planned for us before the world began.

When you embrace who God created you to be, you will find confidence and joy. We were created to bring him glory. This totally changes the perspective and turns our eyes toward him. When we have the proper perspective everything else just falls in to place.

God is not looking for a perfect woman, he is looking for a woman who wants to walk with Jesus and find her confidence in her daily dependence on him.

Renee Swopes

  

Where are we seeking confidence?

Many times we are guilty of seeking our confidence in things. While many of these things are a necessary part of our lives we short circuit the plan of God when we allow them to become the pursuit of our happiness.

We are holding up the empty cup of our heart to all of these things begging them to fill and fulfill us yet still come to the end of those things feeling empty and unfulfilled.

We create idols of the very things we’ve been blessed with in life because we loose sight of the giver and his desire to bless and fill us and turn our focus to the gifts he’s given. They were meant for our good but not for our fulfillment.

Idols we beg to fill us

Relationships

Parenting

Career

Education

Hobbies

Ministry

Church

Entertainment

Possesions

Status

Acceptance

Approval

Jeremiah 29:11-13  When God was talking to Jeremiah in this passage the Israelite's were so deep in the throws of idolatry that they couldn't see the one who gave them all they had. They were seeking and seeking to be filled but were coming up empty. They were making literal graven images of the blessings God had given them(sun, moon, stars, animals, etc...). What we don't realize is that we are doing the very same thing today. All the blessings God has given us(family, friends,talents) have become our idols and he is begging us to come back to him and seek him with our whole heart, just like he was begging the Israelites. 

When Jesus is not in the center of it all, our schedules, minds, stomachs, closets, and lives are full yet our hearts just keep coming up empty. We hear God’s promise for abundant life yet we can see nothing abundant in our life except busyness, obligations, failures, and exhaustion. Sometimes we need to lower our expectations of ourselves and lighten our overloaded list of commitments.

Stop allowing the pain of your past to determine your future, Don’t let your broken dreams become bitter expectations.

Your trying to earn your value in all that you do, but you will never find the love that you are longing for in anyone or anything but God. Until God’s love is enough, nothing else will be.

Maybe you are at a place in life where you just feel completely unlovable. Let me tell you that Satan would love nothing more than for you to stay right in that place but your advocate is greater than your adversary. Maybe you have spent the entirety of your life seeking for love in all the wrong places and you always come up feeling more alone, empty and unloved than you did before.

God placed the desire for unfailing love in our hearts because he knew that it would lead us to him. Unfailing love is mentioned 32 times in the bible and never once is it attributed to a person, Only God!

Psalm 90:14 Satisfy us each morning with your unfailing love,

    so we may sing for joy to the end of our lives.

 I find my confidence in knowing that I am completely loved in this moment and God is not waiting for me to get my act together in order to become worthy of his affection. RIGHT NOW in this very moment you are loved, pursued, and seen by the One who sees everything; He knows you better than anyone, even yourself, and he has NEVER been disappointed by you!!

We were made for a love that is not measured by our last accomplishment but marked by God’s measureless grace.

 That Grace is seen in God’s perfect love story. When he sends his only Son to die for us so that we can spend eternity with him. If we are depending on who we are it will never be enough, we are constantly failing, falling short of the mark of perfection, but we were never made to meet that mark. Jesus is the only one who ever met that mark and he willingly gave his life to pay for the sins that we have commited so that we could have the assurance of spending eternity in Heaven, eternally covered by God’s grace and love. And when we stand in the shadow of that cross, unworthy and undone, we will find the open arms of our Saviour time and time again. What kind of love is that?!?

God wants us to find lasting security in knowing we are valued and pursued by the one who knows us better than anyone and loves us in spite of our failures and short comings. He is not limited by our limitations. He is going to fulfill his will and purpose w/ or w/o you, but he is inviting you to join him in the journey.

The first step of the journey is admitting to him that you are completely unworthy. Your sin is a barrier between having an amazing relationship with him for eternity, but when you ask him to cover the multitude of your sins with the precious blood of Jesus you can begin walking the journey of confidence knowing that you are loved unconditionally and he wants to use you to do great things.

Let God lead you beyond believing IN him to Believing Him by relying on the power of his words and live like they are true, no matter what your feelings are telling you.

Spend time reading your Bible… The more you hear Gods word the more you will believe it, rely on it, and live like it is true. The closer you get to Jesus the more clearly you understand his purpose for your life.

Find what triggers your doubt… when we loose focus on Christ we are easily distracted by fear, failure, conflict, discouragement, comparison, worry, criticism, etc… When you find yourself in the shadow of self doubt realize that you have lost focus on Jesus and turn back to the light.

Find who you are in Christ. Our passions are built into us by our creator because he knew that they will conform us to his purpose for our lives. 

 Live life knowing that you are

Chosen, Accepted, Loved, Pursued, and Invited to live a life of confidence.

It all starts in the shadow of the cross.